Sinusitis

How to understand that a person is attached to you. Solving problems with attachment and love addiction

11.09.2013 Tatiana Kaushanskaya 163 comments

Question from a reader: how to get rid of attachment to a person?

The question goes like this: “Can you tell me how to emotionally detach myself from a person (past)? I'm not sure that time heals, because... Many years have passed, but as a result, only the pictures before my eyes have become paler. I am burdened by the past, many complexes have appeared and, as a result, normal life I don’t live with my boyfriend - I compare, then I remember, I do the devil’s stuff, but I can’t completely switch my attention to my boyfriend, who is worthy.”.

And there is a continuation of this question: “The question is different. What to do if the very determination to forget periodically disappears? In the sense that “why am I bad? Now I’ll go to the gym for a couple of months, I’ll do new hairstyle, I’ll meet you “again” on social media. network, he’ll go nuts and be with me”.

It seems that many women have this problem. I don’t know about men, since I am a woman myself.

And since I went through everything in my life: “fire, water and copper pipes”, and I had everything possible options problems and fears, then naturally, I know first-hand how to solve these problems.

I would like to tell you, dear reader, that time hardly heals psychological addiction. Since, psychological dependence– these are certain disturbances in the perception of reality.

In other words, we are given the experience of falling in love so that we can feel what the Highest Pleasure is in life. This is why it is so difficult for us psychologically to give it up.

After all, the state of intense love is equivalent to the state of nirvana. And who would want to voluntarily give up nirvana? Moreover, when I have not yet found another way to feel the same thing (in in this case didn't find it).

So, the algorithm: how to get rid of attachment to a person?

Step one
I recommend starting with the practice of concentrating on the moment here and now. As soon as you feel an inner pull, switch your attention to the present moment. I write about this in many of my articles. Because this is the main life skill.

If you learn just this one skill - to switch your attention to the present moment - this alone will help you cope with all your problems.

Because when you remember something, it means you are in the past. Note that the past does not exist, it exists only in your mind, it is an invention of the mind.
When you think what will happen in 5 years, it means you are in the future, but the future does not exist either, the future exists only in your mind, this is again an invention of the mind.

What is real life? This is when you are mentally here and now, not in the past or in the future.

By the way, do you know the difference between living in illusions (NOT real life) and real life? Notice the word “real” life. This is living in the present moment.

This technique alone will help you switch your attention from the young man to yours. real life, which always takes place in the moment here and now.

Step two
As soon as you feel an inner pull towards young man, ask yourself what do you really want at this moment? Because affection is psychological problem, there is one nuance here. It happens that we want one thing, but in fact we satisfy some completely different need of ours, without even realizing it.

When I asked myself this question: what do I really want, my answer was: I’m bored, I want to fill my inner emptiness with something. This was proof that I didn’t want this person at all, that I was filling my inner emptiness with him.

And then I began to look for something to fill my inner emptiness. I started reading books on psychology, spiritual, esoteric, etc.

Just when you have a strong craving, start doing something that makes you feel good. In this way, you will satisfy your real desire - to fill the inner emptiness and remove boredom. Or perhaps your need is for something different. The attraction to the young man at this moment will greatly decrease or go away altogether.

Now I answer the second part of the question. What to do if you don’t want to forget a person?

The fact that you don’t want to forget a person is obvious and normal, for the reason that I already described at the beginning. The state of falling in love is equivalent to the state of nirvana.

And this is where the fun begins. It is necessary to realize that we are given challenges of fate in order for us to grow. Such painful situations force us to seek answers to questions and we thus develop.

This situation was not given to you by chance, but so that you learn to LIVE and stop SUFFERING.

And here you have freedom of choice. Either realize this and, despite the fact that you don’t want to forget the young man, look for ways to free yourself from this attachment or continue to suffer. That is, if you are not yet tired of suffering, then you have a choice. And if you are tired of suffering, then you seem to have no choice.

Here, by the way, I want to add. When you make plans to get a young man to like you again, you violate 2 rules of life at once.

First rule. You resist the events of your life. You don't accept your life as it is. You need to realize that this situation was not given to you by chance. After all, it was this event (one of many) that prompted you to look for a way out. And in the process of searching for answers to your questions, you change and grow. No matter how much it hurts you to let go, you have to let go.

Second rule. You live in an illusion, you don’t want to face the truth. The truth is that this situation was given to you so that you realize what need of yours you want to fill with this feeling of falling in love.

I guarantee you that this feeling that you feel for this person is insignificant compared to what you will feel if you develop personally and spiritually.

Attachment has 2 sides to the coin. One is the high of feeling in love, the second is the humiliation of affection. Developing spiritually, we reach a level of awareness where you will experience exactly this feeling every minute, and at the same time you will not have the other side of the coin - humiliation and suffering. You will feel nirvana naturally.

By the way, it would probably be appropriate here to list the natural and artificial paths getting high.

Natural ways: yoga, meditation, mindfulness. The natural high never ends. A conscious person lives a life, every minute of which is filled with joy.

Artificial paths: love, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. An artificial high is like a crutch. Sooner or later, it must be dropped. This high, as you already know, is not very durable. Behind the high comes even greater dissatisfaction, apathy, attachment and pain.

Attachment is a deep and multifaceted concept that can be given many definitions. However, most often it is characterized as a close emotional connection between two people, accompanied by their mutual desire to maintain the closest possible relationship. But this is a very general definition. And since this topic is interesting and deserves special attention, it should be studied in more detail.

It all starts from childhood

It should be noted that attachment is a concept that many associate with child psychology. And this term really does exist in this area. Psychologists call a child’s attachment to his mother a global construct that contains a lot of phenomena related to social development baby.

It is worth noting the concept of separation distress. It is studied in detail by specialists in child psychology. Distress is the distress an infant experiences and demonstrates when separated from a parent. For example, when his mother leaves the room or leaves him alone in the crib at night, he cries. Such distress is a manifestation of attachment in its original form.

The baby's reaction when the parent returns is especially valuable. He calms down, stops crying, maybe even falls asleep. This is differentiated responsiveness. It is not attachment in the full sense of this word. This is rather one of the stages of its development. Or its simplest manifestation. In any case, whatever the attachment, it is always characterized by one thing - the pleasure and tranquility experienced in connection with the presence of its object nearby.

Formation of feelings in friendship

So, what attachment represents in a child’s life is clear. But all children grow up and become adults. Which for the most part begin to become attached to other individuals. In particular, to friends.

There can be no real, true friendship without affection. Although many experts do not agree with this statement, as they consider this type relations as a mutually beneficial partnership, which is facilitated by the territorial proximity of their participants, a certain mutual sympathy and similarity of interests.

But this is too dry a perception. People who are connected by many years of close friendship are attached to one another. Over the years, a special emotional connection is formed and strengthened between them. During this time, each of them becomes someone who understands his comrade at a glance, selects the the right words when he feels bad, supports any ideas and initiatives, knows about all his weaknesses. They become the closest people - those for whom not only each other’s existence is important, but also their special connection. This is attachment.

If a person’s true friend is taken away, then for him it will be comparable to the loss of a huge part of his life or important body. So affection and friendship are inseparable concepts.

Habit or attachment?

Of course, most often the concept of attachment to a person is associated by people with relationships. And this is logical. Many people equate love and affection, which is, in principle, correct. Although many consider them fundamentally different concepts. In fact, they are slightly different: affection, like love, is a feeling of closeness, sympathy and close emotional connection. Some people say about men and women whose relationship has long since fizzled out, but who still remain a couple for some reason: “They can’t break up because they’re just attached to each other!”

This is wrong. The concept of attachment should not be confused with habit. The latter is just right in this case. Indeed, there are couples in which a man and a woman have been in a relationship for so long that it is easier for them to endure each other’s company to the death than to break up. They simply have no idea what they will do in this case themselves. However, this is another topic.

About love

So, it’s worth returning to the topic of relationships. Heartfelt affection is a very complex concept. It borders on love, as mentioned above, but it also has differences from it. Describe in simple language they can be as follows:

Love is a combination of trust, mutual respect, tenderness and sexual attraction. Attachment is the desire to constantly be close to the person for whom these feelings are experienced.
Love is a subjective indicator of happiness. Affection is the willingness to sacrifice oneself for the sake of a loved one. There is a paradox here. Because sacrifice is a person’s ability to give up his interests in favor of someone else. And this already contradicts the concept of “being happy.”

At the same time, these two concepts have something that unites them. Personal affection is absolute devotion and willingness to help a person in everything. And love is not only a combination of care, tenderness and respect, but also an activity. Since it implies a person’s desire for his partner to develop and grow. This is not a passion, but an activity.

Why do people get attached?

Many people ask this question. In fact, there is no secret to attachment and its formation. Everything is simple here.

Man is a social being. It is important for him to have someone with whom it would be good. People who evoke positive emotions are not even a necessity, but one of the basic needs. And therefore, when someone appears in life, next to whom a person feels happiness, he begins to try to be with him as often as possible. At first it can be camaraderie, then friendship. People who just enjoy spending time in each other's company... As they say, nothing like that! But then, after some time, the person understands: he has become attached. He realizes that he now cannot imagine life without this person. Many psychologists identify this with a habit formed as a result of prolonged regular contact with an object of interest.

Severe cases

Attachment in life can be not only healthy, but also sick. It's called neurotic. This is a tough psychological connection. It is characterized by the fact that a person cannot even imagine his existence without an object of attachment. Because such “fantasies” that crept into the subconscious even for a moment cause withdrawal, pain and fear.

This is a really difficult case. Because attachment becomes what deprives a person of his personal freedom. It can be compared to addiction. It negatively affects both the person and the object of his affection. Because he can impose himself on him, pursue him, call him a hundred times a day, not give him access and the right to personal life, be jealous of every pillar you meet. This is a psychological pathology that needs to be treated.

Male feeling

Discussing this topic, I would like to note one more nuance. Male affection for a woman, to be more precise.

Representatives of the stronger half of humanity experience this feeling only in relation to those ladies who are their ideal. And in everything. Most men become attached to women with their ideal character, appearance, social skills, personal characteristics, high sexuality. But! In addition to all of the above, another role plays important nuance. And this is receiving your significance from an ideal woman. Because basic need The vast majority of men need to know: he is the best at everything. He is appreciated and loved. A woman who constantly reminds him of this is a source positive emotions And vitality. And how can you not become attached to someone like that?

Female affection

It is also quite easy to understand. A woman’s attachment to a man is formed in several stages.

At first she is attracted to the intellect of a potential chosen one. If he behaves like her ideal, then we can say that she is already a quarter attached to him.

The next stage is the intimacy of emotions. Interest in a man grows, she becomes more frank with him, shares her secrets, reveals part of her soul. This makes it warm.

Then comes physical attraction. After which usually most women become very attached to a man. After all, their relationship turned into highest stage manifestations of feelings. And an attachment cemented by sex is quite difficult to break. Although now, of course, intimacy is no longer as important as it used to be.

Conclusion

So, quite a lot has been said above about attachment. This concept is both complex and incredibly simple. Its meaning is contained in the name itself. And I must say, affection is a good feeling. Especially if it is mutual.

There is no love without affection, but not all affection is a sign of love. How to get rid of attachment to a person if there are no other feelings left besides it?

Affection for inanimate an object or phenomenon of the world (things, house, habits) is recognized as such. If a person says: “This is my favorite sweater,” it will be clear to him and those around him that what is meant is not love, but affection.

It is much more difficult, and sometimes it is simply impossible, to distinguish love on your own to the person from affection for him. Unless attachment to another individual is a symptom of some mental disorder(for example, Adele syndrome), it is difficult to find a sign that will make it clear that attachment has become excessive.

It is even more difficult to get rid of attachment. Even realizing that the relationship cannot be called love and it would be worth breaking the “vicious circle” long ago, this is not easy to do. When a person is tied, it is as if something is holding him against his will.

How often do people confuse love and love addiction! You can live years in delusion, and wake up one day and realize that all this time there was a stranger nearby, but who became a “drug” without whom it is impossible to live.

A strong love attachment is like any other dependencies(from alcohol, nicotine, gambling and computer games, other). Another person becomes an object of addiction because it is a source of pleasure, satisfies needs, contributes to an illusory feeling of well-being, harmony, happiness, or simply is a habit without which it is difficult to imagine existence. The presence of a loved one nearby becomes the “dose” that is needed daily.

When there is an idea in the mind that without a person life will lose meaning, and the understanding that sooner or later you will still have to part with him is absent or denied, painful attachment is evident.

People always become attached to their family, loved ones and loved ones. If there were no affection in love, perhaps there would be no institution of family, a man and a woman would not consider it necessary to remain faithful to each other, mothers would not care about their children.

Nature itself decreed that people get used to and become attached to each other. Everything is not too romantic and even quite prosaic - a person needs to have a connection with his own kind in order to survive and continue the human race.

Everyone wants to be loved, to have someone nearby who will understand, hold, help, comfort and to whom they can also give their love.

IN human body there is a hormone responsible for tender affection - oxytocin. It is called one of the hormones calm love. This hormone is the most important element formation of the initial mother-child relationship in a woman immediately after childbirth.

Scientists claim that without oxytocin, a man and a woman would end the relationship immediately after the first stage of the relationship (the stage of intense love and passion) passed, and the child who was born during this period of time would turn out to be useless to anyone.

So, attachment to a person should be considered in two forms:

affection as an integral component of love,
attachment as a painful dependence.

The difference between affection and love

Painful attachment can be characterized as “symbiosis.” Symbiosis– a form of relationship in which one or both partners benefit from each other.

Wanting to constantly be close to the partner and doing everything to become one with him, the dependent partner forgets about himself.

By becoming too attached to someone, an adult loses his individuality. Each partner should have personal space and freedom of action (but not developing into permissiveness). This is beneficial not only for the individual, but also for relationships. By “merging” with a partner, you can stop being an interesting person for him, thereby depriving the relationship of development and dooming it to death.

Unlike love, attachment to partner, which is an addiction, characterized:

obsessive thoughts and the desire to be near your loved one all the time;
passion only for the external characteristics of the partner and physical attraction to him;
inconstancy of interest (a person is sometimes very interesting, sometimes almost indifferent);
suddenness of occurrence thrill lack of a loved one nearby;
the occurrence of obstacles to personal development and growth due to loss of interest in anything other than the partner’s personality;
an obstacle to the development of positive feelings towards other people;
a significant narrowing of the circle of contacts;
acute experience of separation, leading to a depressive state;
quarrels for the sake of quarrels, and not for the sake of finding compromises and finding constructive solutions to problems;
lack or difficulty of making plans for the future;
focus on satisfying one's own needs and requirements.

If all thoughts, actions, interests are connected with a loved one, and actions performed “in the name of love” harm other areas of life, we can talk about a deep symbiotic attachment.

It should be noted that at the beginning of a relationship (during the candy-bouquet period), a state of fixation on a person is normal and necessary for the emergence of a healthy attachment to him. The only difference is that loving person“builds” personal relationships into his life, and the painfully attached one replaces it with them.

If you are unfortunate enough to become attached to the wrong person, we recommend reading I. Korchagina’s books “Forget him in 8 days! How to get rid of attachment to the wrong man and find happiness” and “How to survive unhappy love”

Struggling with attachment

It is not easy to free yourself from attachment to a person, just like from any other addiction. Most likely, it will be difficult and painful, and thoughts of returning to the previous pattern of behavior will not give rest.

Sometimes it’s difficult to throw away old broken furniture, let alone weaken the connection with a person. If this connection only brings harm and pain, it is better to break off the relationship altogether. But if the relationship is great, you just need to adjust your behavior and change your way of thinking.

With the problem of painful attachment to a loved one, people often turn to psychologists. An experienced specialist will help you understand the problem and help resolve it. You can try to get rid of attachment to a person on your own.

Tasks that you need to set before yourself:

become an independent, full-fledged person;
to be in a relationship not because “I can’t live without him,” but because “I love him.”

Psychologists recommend adhere to this procedure:

Define that attachment is a painful addiction, and not just a component of love. This can be done based on knowledge of the signs of attachment.
Find out, which is the object of the dependency. What is it about a loved one or what aspect of the relationship with him or her that is the “drug” that you cannot live without? You'll have to start slowly limiting yourself to this. This way you can reduce not only dependence, but also prevent manipulation by your partner. The main thing is not to rush.
Find the fear, which makes you “cling” to a person. Answer the question: “Why am I so afraid of losing him?” and work with this fear.
Realize that everything in the world is temporary, nothing is eternal and unchanging. A person comes into the world alone and also leaves. You cannot tie a person to yourself, you can only love the individual, respecting independence.
Work over inner freedom. Free yourself from constraining fears, stereotypes, self-doubt, reveal the boundaries of possibilities, abilities, and choice of actions.

As a rule, all the benefits that a loved one gives, literally and figuratively, can be:

find it in yourself or learn to create it yourself;
receive from another person, object, activity, and so on.

But the addict does not see such opportunities, believes that only this partner is a source of benefits, and therefore is afraid of losing him.

Such a good, which is seen as vitally necessary as air, usually turns out to be Love another person. This is why people who do not love themselves and believe that no one else will love them become very attached to the first person who falls in love with them or even talks about love.

If you always look for the source of happiness in the external world, including in another person, attachment and fear of loss will always arise. Happiness- this is a state of mind, it is inside, not outside. Only such an internal feeling of happiness is enduring, does not cause dependence, gives freedom, harmony, peace and opens the way to selfless love.

Getting used to a person happens quickly, but losing the habit is a long and painful process. Attachment, also known as emotional dependence, disrupts the perception of reality and deprives one of will. This feeling attracts, binds and holds a person, depriving him of independence. It is necessary to get rid of it, especially if it is an unhealthy addiction, characterized by painful feelings during separation, temporary separation and is accompanied by fear of loss.

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Emotional attachment

Attachment can be healthy or unhealthy. The first one is different mild emotional a connection that can be easily interrupted if it is no longer needed. Unhealthy attachment is dangerous due to painful experiences when a person experiences melancholy and self-doubt during separation. Addiction takes away individuality, and his world revolves around only one thing. Often, without approval, he cannot make any choice, and he needs the advice of a loved one. Weakness of will and emotional dependence affect.

Attachment to the person you love is like nirvana - a feeling that gives pleasure. It’s just as hard to part with him as it is with your loved one. Being close to the person you love, you not only feel a sense of security, but also dependence on your loved one and the feeling itself. After breaking up with him, there is a feeling of losing a part of yourself and the pain of loss. We must stop getting attached and try to become a self-sufficient person.

How to love yourself

How to deal with attachment

To protect yourself and maintain your individuality under any circumstances, you need to get rid of addiction. This will help you gain confidence and relieve fears. By acting in certain ways, a person can overcome feelings of attachment and prevent depression caused by the end of a relationship. To do this you only need:

1. Communicate more with other people. Concentration on a loved one always leads to strong addiction. When communicating with different people thoughts and feelings are not focused on one person, but are shared among everyone with whom a person spends time. New people mean new emotions and different opinions. Communication will broaden your horizons and help you look at many things from the outside.
2. Learn to rejoice. The cause of addiction is a lack of positive emotions. A person becomes attached to those people with whom he feels good, fun and reliable. You need to find joyful feelings within yourself and let them out more often. Learn to enjoy the little things and just good weather.
3. Become more cheerful. Let life itself seem beautiful, filled with miracles and happy moments. We need to laugh more and entertain ourselves. Over time, a person will get used to smiling more often and will feel happier, even when he is alone.
4. Find a hobby. A hobby that you can devote everything to free time, and doing it for pleasure will bring satisfaction, fill space and occupy not only your hands, but also your head. By enjoying sports, handicrafts, cooking, collecting objects and other interesting activities, he will gradually weaken his attachment.

If attachment to a loved one develops into a painful dependence, you need to seek help from a psychologist. Qualified specialist will explain to the addict that by coping with this feeling, he will find himself and will not lose his loved one. If the patient is experiencing loss or separation, he will help him overcome the trauma and regain his zest for life.

Anyone who is predisposed to become attached to people does not feel strong and independent. To stop being addicted, you need to:

see yourself as a person;
be able to entertain yourself;
learn not to be bored alone;
develop;
be in society more often.

By rediscovering himself, a person will learn not to become attached to people and will become a self-sufficient and interesting person.

How to get rid of addiction to a guy or girl

Attachment to a loved one or beloved forms special kind. A warm feeling is mixed with a certain amount of fear, and the person tries to spend more time with his loved one. When love has passed and the relationship has ended, people disperse, but the habit of seeing him nearby remains for some time. To get rid of attachment to a person who has now become a stranger, you need several steps that relationship psychology recommends:

1. Close the door to the past. As hard as it may be, we must admit the fact that the past cannot be returned. We need to let him go and cross out the past, accept the breakup as a given. Over time, you will even like the feeling of freedom and independence.
2. Start dating others. Feelings for a guy or girl you broke up with recently are still fresh, and it’s unlikely that anyone else will quickly replace him. But the emptiness that has formed inside will definitely be filled and will give you confidence in your feminine charms or masculine charm.
3. Learn to meditate. Having acquired such skills and learned to relax, you will be able to feed yourself with energy and strength on your own. Then you won’t have to look for people who will share their energy by communicating and spending time together.
4. Set yourself in a positive mood. Look to the future with hope for the best and be prepared for different development events. Don't let difficulties and failures scare you. Every victory over circumstances is new experience, which makes you stronger and smarter.
5. Discover something new and unknown in yourself. Develop your talents and try extreme sports. This will make you bolder, more purposeful and confident.
6. Become a volunteer or do charity work. There are many people and animals around who find it even more difficult. Help will help you feel needed, and protecting the weak will make you feel strong.

You can get a puppy or a stray kitten. Taking care of them will distract you from sad thoughts and give you joy and a new friend.

A strong emotional attachment to a girl or a man deprives of individuality. Having overcome it, you can find a new one and feel the fullness of life. Everyone wants to feel their own importance and be a complete person. If a person remains a psychological slave, he will again suffer the same sad fate. You can't get hung up on just one person. Buy products that only your partner likes, watch his favorite movies and visit only his favorite places. You need to think about your desires and interests, then your attachment to people will not manifest itself like that.

We happen to utter phrases like “I am so attached to this person,” implying sympathy and sincere affection. But sometimes people confuse affection with more serious feelings, and this can lead to undesirable consequences. For example, do you know how love differs from attachment to a person?

Types of attachment

Every person experiences a feeling of attachment, starting with early childhood. At first, this manifests itself at the level of instincts - attachment to the mother, to some things (clothes, toys). Then some attachments replace others, but the feeling itself accompanies us all our lives.

There are several types of attachments; experts distinguish 3 (some authors 4) varieties. But to facilitate understanding, we will use the division into only 2 types of attachments: secure and painful.

Safe, that is, normal, can be the basis of friendship or love. In this case, the person does not experience serious worries when parting with the object of attachment. There may be a feeling of slight sadness and sadness, but not hysteria or depression.

But a painful emotional attachment will cause just such feelings. It can be directed both at a person (attachment to a guy) and at objects (attachment to things). They say that the latter is not as strong as love affection, but there are cases when a person cannot part with things dear to his heart. And all the persuasion of relatives only causes aggression, because a person cannot imagine life without this particular thing. But attachment to objects is not so dangerous because it is easier to detect. A person who clutters his apartment with things that he does not intend to use in the near future (someday I will make shelves out of these boards, and old newspapers will come in handy if I decide to do renovations), then there is a phenomenon of attachment. The situation is different in interpersonal relationships, it is very difficult to understand affection or love in a person. And it is simply necessary to distinguish between these two concepts, because love opens the way to happiness, and strong attachment(sick, selfish) makes you unhappy.

How to distinguish love from affection?

As mentioned above, heartfelt affection can be the basis of love and this is normal; it is bad when this feeling replaces love. Attachment cannot become the basis long term relationship maybe they will more vivid and will leave a serious mark on your soul, but as soon as the attachment disappears, it turns out that the person on the other side of the bed is a complete stranger to you.

How to distinguish love from attachment to a person?

You need to evaluate your relationship, the following questions will help.

How to get rid of attachment?

First, find out what exactly owns you - love or affection. By realizing your dependence on a person, you will take the first step towards recovery. And then you will need to review again and again everything that this person brought into your life - pain and resentment, disappointment and fear. You're not a masochist to stay with someone who only brings you bad things, are you? It may not be possible to get rid of attachment right away, so do it small steps. After a while, you won’t even remember that you were so dependent.