Psychology of betrayal. How to deal with a person who betrayed you

I decided to write here and ask for advice on what to do. I don’t want anymore, I can’t stand this pain anymore, it has physically exhausted me. My soul is torn, my heart hurts, and I don’t see the point anymore...
I ask for advice that would give me at least some support. I ask you, who has experienced this, help.
My husband betrayed me... We lived with him for 19 years and all these years I was so happy - I love him with all my heart, with all my soul, and even now... We have two children, they are almost adults (18 and 15 years old) . Everything happened 3 years ago, but I still hoped for his return. He replaced me with a younger man, forced me to give him a divorce, namely, he made me believe that this would help him come back to me and I, loving him, agreed to everything. And the reason turned out to be much simpler - his woman was expecting a child.
I understand that everything seemed to no longer concern me, but my hope that he would return simply strangled me, and he supported this hope, saying: I will return soon...
When he came to us, he sometimes even showed affection, but on another visit he showered me with icy cold - I either strongly believed, then again understood that this was just a game.
I just can’t do it anymore... I’m 40 years old, I understand that I could still build a life with another person, it would seem that everything is there - live, but you can’t order your heart.
I still love him very much. In my heart I forgave him everything - it happened - this is life, only I don’t want it anymore - everything inside says I’ve outlived it, I’ve fallen out of love, that’s enough. One hope is for an afterlife paradise - there souls can be nearby, perhaps this is madness or rather despair, but I want to be with him so badly... And I realized: time will not heal my soul. Please tell me how to survive this if there is no point in waiting, and I don’t want another life without him? I'm exhausted, I have no more strength, someone help, help...

Support the site:

Nadezhda, age: 40 / 04/09/2012

Responses:

We need to pull ourselves together - for the sake of the children. Now your goal for now is to help your children. 15 years old is not yet an adult, and even 18-year-olds need their mother’s attention. Who will help them besides you? Who else needs them, your children?
Time heals if you help it, and if you wait for this gift “from time itself,” then you can wait your whole life, and life around you, look around, can be beautiful even without a man nearby! Well, if that's the case.
Ask God for strength, there is nowhere else to get it from - this is from personal experience. You are resisting reality. Why would you want to be around someone who doesn't want to be around you? Remember that you are a person, that you are a mother, that you are a person! That the world does not lie in your ex-husband. The world is much wider, more diverse and better!

Fatinha, age: 37 / 04/09/2012

Nadezhda, hello!
You are an adult, you must understand that this is not love, this is dependence... You cannot be so dependent on another person, on a man. You don’t have love, you have memories of the past, how good it was for you all these 19 years. This is a very long time, I don’t argue, but...
You have two wonderful children, almost adults... Turn all your attention to them. Take care of yourself - you can’t drive yourself so young and beautiful into eternal waiting, and when will he return... This is nonsense! Won't come back - that's it! Three years have passed, and you still can’t let go. Go to church, talk to the priest, pray to God to help you cope with everything. Confess, it's coming now Lent, you’ll also have time to receive communion and go to unction ( mental illness is also being treated!). The Lord will help, just STOP PITYING YOURSELF!!! Your ex-husband sees how you behave and mocks you because he sees how weak you are morally. God will be his judge...
Get up from the bottom! Read about love addiction here on the website. Read, more and pray... Switch.
Hugs to you! Be strong!

Arina, age: 27 / 04/09/2012

Nadya, I read your cry from the heart and I want to tell you one thing. Now it will seem strange and impossible, but believe me, it’s true - you can command the heart. Or rather, the heart can be persuaded and convinced. If you do this regularly, the pain goes away. You just need to pull yourself together one day, calm down a little, choose a time when you are not in a hurry, preferably late in the evening, sit down at the table, put a sheet of paper in front of you, take a pencil, draw the sheet into four parts and draw up a dry balance sheet. What they had in marriage - pros and cons. What you have now - pros and cons. This will include everything positive - calmness, self-confidence, outside support, tenderness, loyalty, and so on. This will include everything negative - betrayal, lies, screaming, your tears, his child on the side, meanness, blackmail and the like.
And review this list every day. Add whatever you want to add to it. Just be sure to re-read it every day - and you will very soon see a clear picture of what happened. The distorted picture in which a man is a king and God will begin to change to a completely prosaic one. You will very soon see that the disadvantages of the last time of your marriage are very great. And it is impossible to live with a person, forgiving his meanness. The pedestal you built for the man you love will begin to quickly collapse. You will see that the beautiful image you created is just an image that does not at all correspond to the weak and petty personality of a man, and your heart will begin to calm down. Moreover, you will see your true desires, your resources and capabilities.
Heartache can be overcome by logic of reasoning and awareness of many possibilities, dear Nadya. I didn’t believe in this before, I also said that you can’t tell your heart, but my old friend, a psychologist, had a different opinion. And the exercise he proposed, which opened up a new, calm, full life for me, I offer you today. Give it a try. The heart obeys the calm logic of reasoning - only this “reasoning exercise” must be done regularly.

Mara, age: 42 / 04/09/2012

Good afternoon, Nadezhda! I won’t say that I understand you, because every person who experiences something like this experiences it themselves, with their own feelings. It’s hard for you now, very hard. The point, it seems to me, is that you put it at the forefront. A MAN. We grew up with the idea that a woman cannot be happy without him. Maybe even so! You found the meaning of life in him, in your ex-husband. And there is no meaning to life in it. The meaning of life is in life itself. And it is not limited to men. She can be beautiful on her own, without him. You cherish the image you served. Which was loved. That man is no longer there. And it’s good that this happened now, when your whole life is ahead. You can deny now, say that there is no life without him. Without whom? Look soberly. Without a traitor? Do you want to suffer yourself, to torture your children who see how their mother suffers? Well, this is not the same person, not the same one. He's a traitor. Doesn't deserve to even think about himself. And what he did shows his true colors. Man, I repeat once again, this is NOT the meaning of life. Finally remember about yourself! How can you not respect yourself in order to allow a man to become the meaning, to allow him to be the master and EVERYTHING? Respect yourself! This traitor is making you suffer. And your children. And you stop picking at the wound. He, or anyone, is not worthy of you ruining your life like that. Just - STOP! Don't let yourself think about him. It won't work out, but then it will work out. God gave you life. She's beautiful. It is you who make her unbearable. And life is worth fighting for. Happiness is within us, not in worshiping men. He is a man, it’s good. No - that's good too. Live and finally look around, you have everything. And finally this viper that you warmed up is no longer there. Which has become the meaning of your life. NO PERSON SHOULD HAVE THIS MEANING. Learn to enjoy life. Just life. The sun, a delicious bun, the laughter of children, blooming flowers. This is happiness. Real, not made up. Good luck to you!

Anna, age: not important / 04/09/2012

Hope! This is all very painful, and the main thing is how long it takes!
I went through the return of my husband to the family. Believe me, this is not what I dreamed of... We all think that if he returns, then everything will be healing, deliverance from melancholy and despair. Let him just be nearby - it’s easier! Let him just be at home - it’s already so good, how warm it is in your heart.
It turned out the other way around...
When my husband left for someone else, I lay there for two months and just stared at the walls. Then to the ceiling. Then again on the walls. And then I couldn’t stand it and took a desperate step - when he came to the children (and we have two kids), I somehow miraculously remembered the password for his mobile phone! (I had to manage to remember a complex combination over my shoulder out of the corner of my eye!) I looked through my contacts and wrote down mobile phone his new passion. Then I called her and offered to meet. My despair, apparently, knew no bounds. Moreover, I was not the only one who was mentally ill, but also our children... When my husband left, they both fell down, apparently with whooping cough. And they categorically did not want to recover. When I went to meet my mistress, at that moment an ambulance was called for the older child, he was so bad. I was afraid for the lives of the children, because I thought the only thing that could save us all was that he would return. I was exhausted myself, the children were exhausted (they were very sick for two months, and there was no end to it). I thought about simply asking her to let him go in a human way. She returned it to us.
We met. We talked. I cried so much because I couldn’t calmly tell everything, I took family photographs, and I didn’t care whether it was humiliation or not, I didn’t care, I wanted a miracle. And then it happened...
Two days later the doorbell rings - the husband arrives, looking gloomier than a cloud. And at the same time his mistress calls me: “Take it!” I say: “How so - accept it?...” She answers me: “Like a closet, like furniture...”.
So they returned it to me as “furniture”. And then it began... We should live, improve relationships. But he doesn’t want anything, every day only his irritation with me increased for everything I did. I couldn’t even ask him about anything - I was too annoying, they told me about it to my face... I was rude, rude, they threw dirt on the floor while I was cleaning, and nothing could be said to me for fear that he will leave... Four months of such a nightmare, it was a real mockery of my psyche, and I myself could not stand it, we filed for divorce. I understood one thing - that it is better not to see a person at all than to live like this, although I love him very much and I miss him very much. We all miss him.
Now I understand, no matter how bad I feel without him, but returning him exactly as he is now is impossible, not only because he doesn’t want it, but also because I don’t want it... I remember and I love him, most likely, of the past, as he was in my memory: kind, loving, caring, but not the present, as he became.
This is important to understand!
They say people don't change, I don't agree with that. More precisely, they change, very often for the worse. And now this is another person, and our love is a dependence on the past. Because it is unrealistic to love a person who wipes his feet on us, deceives, is rude, is rude, it is simply unnatural! Love is a mutual feeling, and everything else is dependence. And most likely, dependence on our past... But it is not there now, it is gone... It is impossible to return childhood - we understand and accept this, it is impossible to return the past - this also needs to be understood.
I cut off all contacts, the opportunity to see this person, because I just go crazy when I see him. The mother just gives the children away. I myself try to communicate and contact less. It's like an operation. We go to her when we know that she will help us, even if it hurts. It’s better to cut it off than to suffer later so that it all hurts. Yes, it will hurt a lot at first, but then it will go recovery...
My mother just read it and says (and she is 70 years old): 40 years is still such a youth, I wish I had these years!.. So hang in there! Anything is possible... You are not alone.

Annushka, age: 33 / 04/09/2012

Dear Nadezhda! I often look through messages on this site, but this is only the second time I’ve written, I simply couldn’t help but respond to your message. Two years ago I was 39 years old, the same thing happened to me, my husband, whom I trusted completely, changed me “for a younger one.” He was always a very good husband, so it hurt doubly. The thoughts of what a good husband I had lost were simply finishing me off, I felt like I was disappearing. And one fine day I realized that these thoughts were “from darkness”, because they weakened me. I am writing this to encourage you to make a choice in favor of the LIGHT. As soon as you have thoughts about how good he is, and what you have lost, think that you are also a wonderful woman, you also deserve to live - and live well, and not suffer. UNDERSTAND, these thoughts destroy you, no man is worth this, and especially not men like ours. After all, whatever you say, this is betrayal! UNDERSTAND, your husband hits you, knowing how much it hurts you. It’s worth wondering if this person is really that good? A truly worthy person would NOT do this. Therefore, stop punishing yourself, turn on your instinct of self-preservation, and become happy. My advice: stop all contacts with him, if this is impossible, reduce them to a minimum. Your goal now is to survive, to save yourself. He won’t think about you, don’t expect pity from him, don’t expect his return. In the end, are you really worth nothing on your own?! What are you, an appendage to your husband?! Don't let him trample you! It is only in your power to make a happy ending to this story. Never give up, under any circumstances. GOOD LUCK TO YOU! Your name is “HOPE”!
And one more thing, Nadezhda, I want to add. I was so worried that at the age of 39 I began to experience early menopause, and it was very difficult... Tell me, are traitors worth our health, our lives in the end?..

Oksana, age: 41 / 04/09/2012

You know, Nadenka, our stories are very similar in many ways. (Mine is dated March 27). I want to hug you and feel sorry for you, and cry together. Just please don't wait for him to return! All his back and forth suggests that he is looking for a warmer and more comfortable place. Well settled! If you get tired of grazing here, you can go to the spare meadow! I, too, suffered from this disease of expectation and hope. It's scary how much precious time was wasted on fruitless attempts. But it’s true that you can order your heart, and in our case it’s simply NECESSARY! It is difficult for one person to cope with this misfortune; ask the Lord for strength. Just recently it seemed to me that I was living in a terrible vacuum. I walked around 5 Temples, I couldn’t trust my pain. Only the last one was able to be confessed. We talked with the priest for almost two hours. He left his phone number and said to call at any time, that he would help both as a priest and as a friend. He offered to take his little son to Sunday school. And a ray of light appeared in my soul. It turns out that you are not alone in this world! Friends turned away, but how many kind words Complete strangers wrote to me on this site, and this support in moments of despair is life-saving. It’s up to you to want to live without betrayal and lies. Go to a psychologist to help you let go of this situation. Also imagine that your ex-husband has returned. You live together and everything seems to be wonderful. And somewhere his child is growing and there is no escape from this. There are several options here. For example, he forgets about everything and does not communicate with the other side. Can you feel calm and happy? After all, the child is not to blame for what his parents did. Do you ever get the feeling that you are living with a traitor? And if he starts taking part in raising the child, will he go there? This man has proven that he is capable of dodging and lying. Do you need a life full of such torment? Understand that it will never be the way it was before! These thoughts really sobered me up. Of course, I’m just starting to crawl out of this nightmare, but there are already changes. Darling, pull yourself together, because only you have the power to start new life. No one will do this for you. You deserve happiness! Did the Lord give us life in order to lay it on unworthy person? Yes, our souls are like a scorched forest, where just recently everything was blooming and green. But is this forever? Our time will come to be reborn to life. Just with your hope and expectation, Nadya, you literally preserved this conflagration within yourself (as did I, by the way). By the way, my ex showed up today and said that if I want him to raise his son and come to him, then I should be affectionate with him and smile! I almost fell, it's just kindergarten"weed"! This man is in his fifties!!! Father told me in confession: “don’t bang your head against closed gates, step away, calm down, they will open on their own, and opportunities will appear, and simple solutions, you will also be surprised, just pray, repent, let go... Ask the Lord to give you strength, and it will appear, and a second wind will open..." I wish you, Nadenka, happiness, peace in your soul, joy. Remember, you are not alone! Help you, Lord!

Galina, age: 40 / 04/09/2012

Hello Nadyusha! I'm writing for the first time, though more than a year I read both requests for help and responses. This site helped me survive. I was also betrayed by my husband after 17 years living together and just like you, I didn’t want to live. But I had my son and mother. You don’t need to look for support, you have it - these are your children. How will we differ from traitorous husbands if, thinking about the “posthumous paradise,” we also betray our children? And where did you get the idea that his soul would end up in heaven? I doubt it very much. And you, Nadya, don’t need to be there next to him, you’ve had enough hell on Earth. And you can order the heart, not immediately, gradually, like we forbid small children, repeat again and again to yourself - IMPOSSIBLE. And life will put everything in its place. I don’t know if my ex-husband is happy, but I don’t think he’s very happy. 5 days after the divorce, he had a heart attack, at the age of forty and during the life he dreamed of. He also exchanged me for a “younger” one and wanted to “change everything in his life”, i.e. me and my son quiet life". So this is how it happens. And it is not known how the “new happy life” will respond to your husband. And you, Nadyusha, if you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychotherapist, he will prescribe you antidepressants, they really help “lick your wounds.” This is not the case nothing to be ashamed of. And read all the responses on this site, everything helps. I want to thank Smilla separately, thank you very much, I read your responses and cried, and somehow the pain came out with tears. Hold on, Nadyusha, you are strong and you are not alone. !

Alena, age: 39 / 04/10/2012

Dear Nadya!
I am one of those “lucky” people whose husband did not leave when the betrayal was revealed.
I put the word “lucky” in quotation marks because now that my friend broke up with her husband, I told her: “Be glad you left. It would be worse if I stayed.”
A year and a half ago it was revealed that my husband had been cheating on me for many years.
At first he denied it to the last (like all of them), then he agreed that “this doesn’t seem good,” then I squeezed out of him that he wanted to stay with me (I actually squeezed it out, he didn’t say it himself, I persuaded him to “save family"), squeezed out a “sorry” from him. And we stayed together.
And now, when a year and a half has passed since the “moment of truth,” I think more and more often that if I had kicked him out then, I would have already gotten over the disease, suffered and started living normally. Because what I have now is not life, it is the appearance of family life. This is not intimacy. This is not a marriage.
And if for the first year since the “moment of truth” I kept trying to get through to him, to explain that we need to rebuild the relationship, that I can’t do it without trust, that he should try, now I understand more and more that nothing will change. He has no need to change. He's comfortable.
Your ex-husband is also comfortable. He has no reason to come back to you. He has no need to change. Unless he is kicked out of there, then he will return. But again until next time.
And then the question is - WHO will return to you? You want him back, but who will it be? This will be a man capable of betrayal, who has his own life secret from you, who does not respect or appreciate you, but only uses you. Who, if he returns, will not be out of love for you (if he had loved you, he would not have left in the first place), but because he will need to “stay over” somewhere. Do you think this will make you feel fuller and happier? I think that you will begin to “die” even more - because physically he will be present, but he will be a stranger, a cold, cruel person, capable of deceiving, betraying, abandoning. You won't experience happiness with someone like that.
I am currently studying the issues of rehabilitation of abandoned children. And in one of the books by K. Elyacheff (a French psychoanalyst who works with abandoned small children), I suddenly saw quite clearly and distinctly why the most unbearable suffering occurs in situations of betrayal. If you allow me to quote a couple of passages:
“The most painful thing for such children is the uncertainty, which has a devastating effect on their vital energy, their status and fate."
“It was only after working with children that I realized that the disorders they suffer from are closely related to the uncertainty of their current situation and immediate future. This uncertainty gives them hope that - no matter what - they will return to their real parents again, instead of saying goodbye to them forever and preparing for a new life."
“Even when his living conditions are quite prosperous (he is provided with all the necessary and attentive care), his uncertainty about his future prevents him from developing harmoniously and gives rise to fear, despair, and attacks of impotent anger.”
When I read these phrases, it suddenly dawned on me WHAT kills us women the most in such situations.
It's not even abandonment. Not separation. Not a collapse (essentially a change, sometimes very drastic) of plans.
The most terrible, unbearable and painful thing is uncertainty. We don’t know what will happen next - whether he will return or not, to wait or not to wait, whether he will repent or not. We fall into this trap called "uncertainty." The unknown is always the most frightening thing, you must agree. After all, even if the most difficult and terrible certainty is certain, it is always easier.
A couple of times I imagined what would have happened if my husband had not cheated on me, but had died. And I have a feeling that I would experience it easier. Because it is bitter, terrible, but certainty. And the situation in which I found myself is teeming with all sorts of “what if...”
Many psychologists agree that the death of a loved one is experienced more easily than betrayal.
Also because the devotee always feels bad, but the betrayer, as a rule (at first, but sometimes for quite a long time) rejoices. This makes it even worse. Do you know why I stopped my attempts to separate from my husband several times over the past year and a half? It was this thought that stopped me: “I will suffer and cry, but he will feel good. He will return again to his riotous lifestyle and will rejoice. I don't want to let that happen." Do you understand how terrible this is? I was ready to spend my life not allowing him to “rejoice.”
You may ask, where is the way out of this uncertainty? He is. But for this it is important to understand that the men who betrayed us are precisely interested in us staying in this as long and as tightly as possible, so they are not our helpers here. They will “pull the leash” in every possible way and feed our affection. Therefore, there is only one way out - to determine your position yourself. Namely: “This person is no longer and will never be in my life.” And this is the absolute truth, because the person who was with you for 16 years (or how many years you lived together before the betrayal became known) will never be with you again. He's a different person now. Completely different. If you want, you can think to yourself that he - the one who was then - died, he was stolen by aliens, whatever. But he won't be there anymore.
I remember my graduation at school - I was sad to leave school, I had a good time at school, I loved it, but it never occurred to me to be sad next years“Oh, how good it was at school, how great it would be if it all came back.” I understood too well that it would never come back. And that’s why even my sadness was light.
Your task now, the most important thing, is to kill any hope in yourself that by an effort of will you will invent a time machine and transport yourself, your children, your ex-husband and the entire planet Earth 10 years ago. This won't happen. You cannot turn back time and relive what has already been lived.
Now put all your strength into convincing yourself that it’s all over. It's over, there's no going back to the past.
If this is unbearably painful for you, then there is another trick: try declaring a moratorium on all decisions regarding his and your future life for a year. That is, during the year you don’t think about whether he will return or not, whether to wait for him or not, whether you will find someone else for yourself or not.
Imagine that he went on a business trip to the Arctic for a year. There is no connection, no phones, no Internet, no mail, no contact with him. For a year you will focus only on yourself and your life. Don’t look for a man, but with yourself and your life - children, friends, you can learn a language, sign up for a fitness class, learn to sew or knit, get a license. In general, you have a year to spend it fruitfully, but without any thoughts about it, without deciding whether to continue to wait for it or not.
And a year later, on the same date, return to your thoughts and decide - if you want, you can again plunge into melancholy and expectation and hope. But not before.
Circle today's date on the calendar and start counting down - from now on he is on a business trip, and his twin brother, with whom you simply have some kind of distant family relationship, comes to visit the children.
Memorize a few short prayers, and as soon as the “race” on a forbidden topic begins in the head, immediately pray - until unnecessary thoughts go away. They need to be nipped in the bud. Remind yourself every time: “Why am I doing this? He is on a business trip, the topic is prohibited, it’s time for me to learn English. Let's remember how to say "stove" in English.
Give yourself a year off. And your children have a year of normal communication with you. And after a year, having gained new strength, decide whether to return back to this life that you have now, or choose something else.
Good luck to you. Take care of yourself.

Svetlana, age: 39 / 04/10/2012

They say that after cheating, a husband leaving for another woman and living in another family for a long time, someone manages to start over and build a new relationship. I don’t know how or who manages this. There are also lovers of multiple marriages, for whom after each divorce there is a new round of life. And some people cannot recover even after just one thing for the rest of their lives. We are very different. I can’t even imagine how, after what was thrown in your face, after you were walked over in cold blood, insulted, humiliated, you can even enter into a dialogue with this same person, communicate, go to bed...
Annushka surprisingly accurately described the situation in all its nuances. The return of the husband after everything that happened is similar to the return of a zombie from a thriller, which was shown a lot on TV in the late 90s: a man died, he was buried, mourned, and then, with the help of voodoo magic, his soulless body was revived and he came home. Then - horror. Life is a one way street. The person will no longer be the same as we loved him. Think for yourself: he WANTED to leave because there were no more coincidences and consonances with you. This is a completely different, changed person who has long been the same and in tune with a completely different woman, different from you. Now she is his tuning fork, and he tunes his guts according to her. Man is such a complex, multidimensional system. Having changed his internal settings, he becomes completely alien at the level of sensations. I have experienced this. Just like you, Nadezhda, I couldn’t let go of the situation for a very long time. It seemed absurd and absurd to me. Although a sober assessment of my entire life lived stubbornly gave the same result: there was very little good. However, I didn’t want to believe that this was it, the end. And you lowered the curtain yourself, because you couldn’t do it any other way.
Just like you, I wanted to resurrect all those grains of good that were in our lives. Filled with memories came to mind sunlight happy pictures from the past when we were young and in love. And it seemed that we were one whole and this would be forever. And here he is in front of me: today’s, the real one, the one who came home for more than one year after tumbling in a bed with another woman, to whom he told nasty things about his wife, which explained and justified his presence in this very bed. The one who, when leaving, spat in my face: I don’t love you, I now love another person, but I don’t want you at all as a woman. Who doesn’t want us here, may I ask? Isn’t this the bald, fat, beer-bellied seal that you can’t look at in his negligee without tears? And who do we want now? Oh, that's who... Well, if you please: you - great couple, you are worth each other.
8 months later he stood in front of me. The point is not that such radical changes in mature age did not pass without a trace, leaving appearance their destructive tracks. The fact is that it was a COMPLETELY STRANGER PERSON. It sounded different, the radiation coming from it was of a completely different nature. He became a cast from another matrix. A kind of emotional and spiritual telegony. Stranger. Completely alien. There was not a single note in common with me to which the soul would respond, alone with itself still yearning for the past sensations of closeness with the soul of this person. It was foreign body, which could no longer be present in my life. I simply couldn’t imagine what we could talk about now, how you could touch this person, allow him to touch you. And how many of us will be in the marital bed now: two or three? Who will his words and touches be addressed to? No, this is impossible even at the level of logical comprehension. This became impossible on some subtler plane. I don’t know who can do this, how you can push yourself and, most importantly, why?
Nadezhda, I’m just conveying my personal feelings. And before this meeting, and again for a long time after it, I terribly longed for what was irretrievably gone, for my illusions and an invented story about my family life. But the collision with reality was akin to Charcot's soul. Looking her, reality, in the eyes, I said the word “no” to myself with complete confidence. Because I realized that nothing good would come from this return. The dead don't rise. And I also clearly understood that he was standing in front of me now not because his love brought him to me. If there was even a grain of love in him, she simply would not have allowed him to do this to me. This grain would not allow him to copulate with another woman not once, not twice, but for 12 years. This grain would have forced him, realizing the seriousness of the situation, to fight for the right to stay in the family, to ask for forgiveness, to cut off with a backhand everything that had invaded our lives with his knowledge and destroyed it. He came because it turned out to be shitty THERE. It's a bummer. I was deceived. Didn't calculate it.
Nadezhda, whose return have you been waiting for all these 3 years? Who do you continue to wait for, counting down the days, weeks, months, years of your fast-flowing life that are slipping away into irrevocability? The past will always stand between you. Calming during a period of calm, it will violently shoot out whenever this calm is disturbed. Even just a word that accidentally escaped your lips or was spoken out of habit by a name other than yours. Can you live with this? Can you be cloudlessly happy and recklessly trusting? I decided not. Therefore, she preferred a long period of scarring to endless agony. deep wound. You cannot spend an indefinitely long period of life waiting for someone unknown. Mortal man cannot afford such wastefulness. Answer yourself honestly: where have you progressed in these 3 years? What have you improved about yourself and your life? What new did you learn? How has your quality of life changed? Can you remember how your participation filled the lives of your children during this period? Where have you been with them? And, having answered these or other questions about your life, ask yourself the last one: HAVE YOU PUT TOO HIGH PRICE FOR YOUR HUSBAND, paying for his tricks with your only life?
And I would also like to speculate a little about this. Honestly, I don’t know where the line is between love and addiction and why they need to be separated! (you can read about this here: Administrator's Note). In fact, we all depend on each other to one degree or another. And is that really such a bad thing? The baby depends on his mother, and this dependence gives both of them unique moments of happiness. My mother, having broken her hip, in her helplessness was entirely dependent on me, on my attitude towards her. And this dependence revealed to her the strength and depth of my feelings for her, the expression of which in everyday life, to be honest, I am stingy. And she allowed me to experience happy moments of overcoming my weaknesses and imperfections. A woman expecting a child depends on her husband’s caring attitude towards her. The lover always depends on the loved one, the lover is always open and unarmed in front of the loved one, and, therefore, vulnerable. And, it seems to me, it is not addiction that destroys us and deeply traumatizes us, but the bestiality of a person who abuses and manipulates this addiction and our vulnerability in this state of dependence, which, I repeat, is natural for a loving person.
The destruction of our trust, the entire system of relationships built on this trust, the outrage against our openness and sincerity leads to confusion, confusion, state of shock. All this is like a magnitude 11 earthquake, from which the vibrations do not die out for a long, long time. Not surprising: after all, betrayal loved one knocked the foundation out from under our feet with a blow to our value system. When they say to a suffering person: “This is not love, but addiction,” I want to answer: “Yes, addiction, because love.” When a person experiences something that happens only once in life: youth, the birth of the first child, the first joint purchases, the first shocks experienced, the funeral of loved ones, people grow into each other, and it seems that even the blood circulation is common, like Siamese twins. "And there shall be one flesh." This is also dependence, which, from my point of view, would be wrong to oppose to love. If only because this game of concepts does not help the experience of loss at all. On the contrary, it aggravates the fact that it devalues ​​the feeling for a loved one. They say that you didn’t have anything serious with him: so, it’s just an addiction. Only this very “dependence” has sealed kilometers of cracks in family relationships, she scooped up tons of water from a leaking family boat, this very “dependence” turned into forgiveness, even when it was impossible to forgive. Because our little universe depends on this forgiveness. And the fact that a brutalized person does not understand, does not deserve and does not appreciate all this should not change anything for us. Our attitude towards the plebeian, who turned out to be unable to appreciate the beauty and depth of the feeling given to him, which a woman is ready to carry throughout her life, must change. The most difficult thing after such a shock is not to let the spark of this feeling fade away in your soul, not to let the ability to give it die, along with your dependence, which manifests sincerity, gullibility, sacrifice, and the need for security. “I am dependent on you” means “Be my protector.”
This reasoning means that you don’t need to be ashamed of your feelings, no matter how they look from the outside. And there is no need to somehow qualify them: love, not love, but what is love, let’s compare our feeling with the official definition of love... Why? People were together, there was trust, children were born, I just wanted to live and meet this very person every morning, and in the evening discuss my day with him. And so that it will always be like this. What difference does it make what word it is called? Love, addiction. “This is my world, I built it as best I could, and I protected it as best I could,” - this is how every woman thinks in the depths of her soul. And she has the right to do so. When this world collapses, she suffers not because she is burdened with a pathology called “addiction,” but because her expectations and trust, in which she invested all the purest and best that is in her, are deceived. Bastards and cold-blooded bitches do not suffer.
Hope, separate your feelings from the person who turned out to be unworthy of them. This is difficult, because your feelings have been addressed to a specific person for many years. Stop feeding him with your energy, well, if only because, having been saturated with it even at a distance, he then gives it to another woman. Do you need it - to be a gratuitous donor for this couple? Do you know how I dealt with this? I visualized that there were threads stretching from me to my ex-husband, along which my energy flowed in the form of a flickering bluish stream. And then I mentally took the scissors and cut these threads. The picture was so bright and vibrant that I even saw how what filled these threads with a blue shimmer at their cut ends dripped down and then sealed the cut. And what was reaching out to her husband hung lifelessly, devoid of luminous energy. You know, psychological effect It was very noticeable for me. Give it a try. Another time, when thoughts about my husband came and became persistent, causing me pain, I imagined the Sahara Desert, which I saw during my long trip to North Africa. I imagined my husband, then “materialized” in my imagination an SUV, into which I “put” my ex-wife and slammed the cab doors. And she sent him in this SUV to the other end of the Sahara. I followed him with my mental gaze until he disappeared beyond the horizon. It was very good. I then took a break from thinking about my husband for a very long time. Practice. And at the same time, do something interesting, something that you may have denied yourself for a long time. The head should be busy, and so should the hands. And one more thing: have time to catch the passing youth of your children. Whether there will be intimacy between you and them later depends on this time. This is much more important than acrobatic sketches of unlucky husbands!
In general, Nadezhda, you will still have it. This is why you need to preserve in yourself that very spark that I wrote about above. There is no need to be afraid of anything, we just need to live and accept and cope with everything that life sends us. Try. Finally, I will share with you a joy that does not contradict the topic of our conversation. My 33-year-old son, a child of his technocratic age, has been tossing and searching for inner support for a long time. This upset me, since the turmoil in his soul did not allow him to enjoy success at work, or communication, or acquisitions. We talked a lot with him, but he didn’t hear me. Rather, I said the wrong thing or the wrong thing. In matters of faith, I myself am oh so weak and have far from understood everything. The restless one. That is why my attempts to direct my son along this vector were unsuccessful. And then yesterday I received a voluminous SMS from my son, filled with emotions. The key words were: “Mom, I’m shocked. It turns out that I understood everything so primitively when I heard about religion and Christianity. Now I understand who Christ was for humanity and for what ideas he was crucified. In fact, Christianity is the great teaching of the powerful and free people." Then we talked for a long time on this topic, the conversation ended with the words of my son: “I really want to read the primary sources. Do you have the Bible?”
I can’t explain why I was filled with inexpressible joy at these words from my son. I thought about it yesterday and today, and this is the conclusion I came to: if what happened in my life 5 years ago had not happened, this conversation with my son simply could not have taken place. Because I would be different, the circumstances would be different, and our conversations with my son would concern completely different things. My search for support over these 5 years, although not always consistent and successful, gradually influenced my son, it seems to me. And even after his caustic remarks, he was most likely thinking. And here is the result in the form of a prerequisite for a person to reach new level understanding the main things. Can we know what event will serve as an impetus for something important and turning point in our lives?
Hope, there is no need to be afraid of anything in life, even destructive events. Everything that happens to us is necessary and for the good.

Smilla, age: 55 / 04/10/2012

Nadezhda, you said that for three years you had hope that he would return. You know, in Orthodoxy there is such a prayer of the Optina elders... there are these words there: "... (Lord) Guide my will and teach me to pray, believe, hope, endure, forgive and love." You know, I think it is no coincidence that words are chosen in this order in prayers.

You can hope only after believing. How can you trust a person who betrayed you once? It is impossible to believe, he undermined confidence in himself and in his words given upon marriage: “to be together in sorrow and in joy...”. There is no way to believe or hope. Neither forgive betrayal (forgive only as a sinner and weak person), but not an act of treason. You can’t come back like that without repenting. What hope is there when he doesn’t even see the nastiness and abomination in betraying you?

And it turns out that in fueling hope in you, he was not driven by high feelings, but simply by fear that he would be thrown out of there, and your hope is his alternate airfield. If it doesn’t work out there, you will accept him here ANYONE.

This, Nadezhda, is the kind of person you love: a betrayer who plays on the weaknesses of an abandoned woman...

There is a God who will never betray... and now he is closer to you than ever, just extend your hand to him, notice him in your life. See why he took this man away from you. Maybe because you have already outgrown it spiritually and mentally. So I removed him from your life. Surely, in addition to the disadvantages that you see, there are obvious advantages from his departure that you do not want to notice yet.

Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Your name is so beautiful - Nadezhda. Let us hope to be with you only to a man worthy of your faith, and not to ANYONE.

Cleo, age: 33 / 04/10/2012

Hope! You say - time will not heal??? Where does this confidence come from? Have you already been to the future? For now these are just your guesses and fears. Time has already healed many souls, and yours is no exception. However, it really cannot heal the soul without your help!
3 years is already quite a long time. 40 years is still very young. There is no need to give up on yourself and write yourself off as “waste material”. It's not up to you to decide when to leave this life. Since you are on earth and not in heaven yet, it means there is still something for you to do here. Believe me, you are not the only woman If you find yourself in a similar situation, things can get worse, and people come out of it. You decided to give up early.
You must respect any decision your husband makes if you truly love him. Yes, now he is with someone else - but he decided so. In the end, it is his right. This may not be Christian and goes against family values, but let him be responsible for this himself. Your task is to come to terms with it. Humility is a very important quality.
What do you mean you can’t command your heart? No one is forcing you to live with another person yet; now you need to at least learn to live alone. When you learn to appreciate life, enjoy every moment, live every minute, learn to breathe the air, and not your ex-husband, then you may want another person next to you. You are definitely not in that state yet.
Your task is to let go of your husband, not physically, but from the soul. Let go every day - through prayer, through inner peace. He has not been physically with you for a long time, and you are still living in illusions. Even if he comes back, you must understand that this is no longer the person you loved... Everything flows, everything changes. You need to accept the change with dignity!
In general, Nadezhda, give up these pessimistic thoughts. Just think about it - so many people around the world fight for life every day, every minute, climb, but die from incurable diseases, having a great desire to live, and you healthy woman in the prime of life with beautiful children - do you want to just refuse such a gift from God!!! God does not give such gifts twice. Life is the most valuable thing, remember this!
Good luck to you!

Julia, age: 27 / 04/10/2012

Hope, please pull yourself together. The Lord sees what we need, so he takes away the people who bring us grief. You just don’t see or feel it now. You think it's over, but it's not. I, too, was killed at one time, and now I have finally met a person - my real soul mate, with whom I feel good and calm. And just recently I thought that I was dying and my life was over, because I thought that I couldn’t live without the person who brought me a lot of pain and disappointment. My life is just beginning, and I am 46 years old. Now I tremblingly remember the past, as it seemed to me, happy years, but it turned out that these were all my fantasies. I myself invented a prince, endowing him with all good qualities, but all I got was pain. Go to a psychologist, antidepressants are very helpful in overcoming addiction, looking at the past with composure and starting a happy future. Good luck to you. Guardian Angel!

Tusya, age: 46 / 04/10/2012

Hello, Nadya!
When I read Alyonushka’s response to your letter, my heart sank with pain. Such pity appeared for her, and then this pity grew into Respect for this woman. This is how you have to experience your pain correctly in order to splash out such Truth here. And why did she do this? To HELP you! Tell her mentally THANK YOU, it’s worth a lot. Not everyone is capable of this. Caring people have written to you a lot of useful and correct things. Read! In your case, waiting for death is similar. The only thing I want is to continue Smilla’s response. About the children. I am now experiencing this on my own skin. It so happened that, by the will of fate, I live far from Little Motherland, and the kids grew up and scattered around different cities. And when this happened, I was completely confused, I didn’t know where to put my hands or head. The threads of communication gradually came down to a simple one: How are you? How's your health? How's school... work? And I became scared. What is this??? What to do? Mom is far away, the children are far away, my husband is not involved at all... why am I sitting here, why am I living?
I tried not to show it, but inside everything was burning with fire. To children’s questions: Mommy, what’s new with you? I could only answer: “What new thing can I have? I’m sitting within four walls, alone as a finger (a small town where everyone knows each other). You can’t stick your nose out again. And now, Nadya, I don’t have enough time to painting feathers on my head and doing “glamor”, although all this is necessary (within reason) I re-read all the classics, which I haven’t done for a thousand years, and I don’t just re-read, but so deeply that if thoughts “from outside” creep into my head, they begin to irritate me, because they distract me from my main task. There are a lot of interesting things on the site, and it was thanks to this so-called crisis that I remembered that I myself am needed not only to prepare the first, the second. and third, not only to wash everyone and wipe away the dust, hammer in nails, make repairs and treat someone’s “man-made wounds,” but also for something more important, which I have long forgotten about. “Thank you.” Crisis" because now my children and I (even if on Skype for now) can spend hours discussing what we read, what we heard, about the spiritual, and about anything... and not just: "Mommy, how are pancakes prepared?" My children “the eyes are round” and you know what they’re telling me? “Mom, we knew that we had you like this, but to be so…” Well, what more grace do we need!? Nadya, this is where to direct your gaze and all your thoughts!!! Get to know yourself, it rejuvenates the whole body and is such a benefit to yourself, and therefore to everyone around you!!! Good luck to YOU!!!

Vitalia, age: 51 / 04/10/2012

Open your heart to God. Prayer helps me a lot. Read the book “How to Survive a Divorce”, it also helped me a lot: I came out of a state of madness. Just live with faith in the Lord, and when your heart becomes unbearable, repeat: “All is Your will, Lord. Let it be as You please.” And I also pray for humility. Our pride and selfishness do not give us peace. Don't be afraid to let go of your husband, live life to the fullest. If you love a person, then you just want him to feel good, which means if he lives with someone else and he feels good there, then you should feel good yourself. Ask yourself these questions and you will understand whether it is love or pride. I know how painful it is, I am constantly looking for answers to my similar questions. Only prayer and faith in the Lord can help us.

Natalya, age: 31 / 04/10/2012

Nadya, hello. All of us who write on this site have gone through this. Through betrayal, through disappointment, through unwillingness to live, through unbearable pain and ringing loneliness! I understand you very well. Having lived with my husband for 25 years, it seemed to me that there was no further life without him! I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t live, but every day I survived and hoped! He will definitely come to his senses! He must have been drugged! Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Huge misconception! We are wasting precious years of waiting, but for whom? For traitors? To those to whom we dedicated our lives, and then stepped over us and went into a new life with new loved ones? Please, Nedenka, wake up! Look around! You are only 40 years old! The children have grown up! Start living for yourself! Yes, it's difficult, I know! But through pain, through tears, begin to be reborn! It may make sense to find a good psychologist, but a good one! There are a lot of charlatans now! Find out from your friends, it’s better if it’s an Orthodox psychologist. I found one and am very grateful to him. Girlfriends here will only worsen the situation. And don't talk to your ex-husband! You are not ready to communicate with him yet. Believe me time will pass and you will calmly communicate with him when you meet, but not now. Let the children communicate with him themselves. And allow me one more piece of advice. Don't let him into your territory. She is yours - and he has nothing to do here! And every day, when it becomes completely unbearable, imagine your relationship as a huge chain that has bound you. And imagine that you are cutting it with all your might. It should fly apart different sides! It may be convenient for you to saw or chew it. Which is more acceptable for you? But the main thing is to do this every time it really hits! You will see how it will immediately become easier! And it will become easier each time more and more! It helped me a lot. Nadya, no matter how painful it is, let go of your ex-husband internally. Without this, you will not be able to further build your personal life. I say all this from my own experience. Trust me, everything will work out! It takes time, and most importantly, you need to work on it. Every day, every minute. Work, otherwise nothing will work out! Time heals! Yes! But only by working on this situation! And if you mourn your life, you will not get out. Say thank you to your husband for his love, for your children, for the happiness that was in your life and between you! Tell me about yourself! And forward to a new happy life! And how happy she will be depends only on you now! I hug and kiss you! Patience to you in your work to transform your life! New life! Happy, bright, full of love, sunshine, smiles! I really want you to smile! Well, please! Well, here we are, smiling! Thank you! Good luck to you! God bless you!

Eleanor, age: 46 / 04/10/2012

Nadezhda, hello! Your cry for help has already been heard, you are now on the path to returning to yourself! You know, just like you, I loved my husband very much, and I still do, the story is of course different, but there are many similarities - betrayal, meanness, pain and despair! Expectation and hope that everything would return as before, but the situation only got worse! Two months ago I was so crushed that I couldn’t think constructively (my story in February), this site helped me look at myself from the outside, forced me to act! The empathy of the people on this site, their advice, the help of God - everything directed me to action. As if I needed to get out of that state, I was sent on a business trip at work, then I took three days of vacation - I let the situation go, forcing myself to fill every hour with activities and worries, went to church, asked the Lord to arrange only for the good of everyone! I began to change - not to ask questions, but to look for ways to return to myself! Well, we once lived without husbands and were happy! I remembered myself as a small and happy girl, then on weekends I woke up to the aromas of my mother’s baking - now I began to cook something unusual and tasty on weekends when my daughter woke up, I remembered myself - happy and confident at graduation, the owner of a school leaving certificate with honors, my student life - filled with friends, studies - and you know, now I started studying again, part-time, there was an orientation session in March. How many new emotions! My daughter dreamed of having a pet - we adopted a kitten! Let's work out, get busy together! I can’t say that it’s all over yet, no! Sometimes it comes and covers me like this... But I want to live and be happy, I do!!! And I believe that it will be so. I pray. Thanks to the creators of the site for this opportunity to be heard! Nadezhda, comprehend what is written to you and be sure to ACT! Everything will definitely work out, you have to believe! And at 40, life is just beginning! I wish you patience, health, may God protect you!

Irina, age: 42 / 04/11/2012

If you are thinking about suicide, then I must upset you, suicides do not go to heaven, their souls perish, read the Bible. But those who have endured are awarded crowns. God created you for LIFE, even if difficult, difficult on earth, but after living which your soul goes to heaven for ETERNAL LIFE, but the evil one just wants the opposite, and this DEMONIC PASSION, WHICH YOU TAKE FOR LOVE, only confirms this. Only the evil one pushes you to commit suicide and to think about it, because then your soul will belong entirely to him, in hell.
You must understand that those thoughts about leaving life, about losing the meaning of life that are spinning and swarming in your head are NOT your thoughts. For your soul, for your life goes on the struggle between demons and angels, and whose side you yourself take, such will be your future fate.
Hope, turn to God, turn to God with a prayer for help, so that God will give you strength and patience to withstand these demonic attacks, to get rid of this pain, which is demonic, because God gives trials to everyone according to his strength, and everything that seems from above, This is an obsession from demons, because they do not have direct power over us until we give voluntary consent. The evil one gains power over a person only by deception, first passing off his dark thoughts as our own, and if he receives our consent, which means a rejection of God, then he becomes the master of the one who agreed, and this is eternal death. Therefore, deny and throw away everything that contradicts God-given Life. God does not need your unnatural death, but LIFE is needed, with or without a husband, with or without children - everyone has their OWN WAY OF LIFE, we only need to pass it with dignity in order to enter ETERNAL LIFE.
We will all be praying for you. God bless you!

Vladimir, age: 39 / 04/11/2012

Dear Nadezhda!
Be glad that on your part you have done everything you could. You have a good conscience, you kept love and, I think, loyalty. It is very important to have a clear, good conscience before God, yourself, and people; real guilt is much worse. And the fact that another person has committed a sin (including in relation to you) is his business, not yours. It seems to me that you need to be able to distinguish between your own affairs and those of others. Your business now is not him, but you yourself, your life, your children. You cannot and should not lose your personality and completely dissolve it in another person. Even God respects our personality and wants us to be individuals, there is nothing bad or selfish about that. A healthy dose of self-love is essential. Without this there is no way.

If I were you, I would minimize contact with this person. Changed - free. There is no point in fooling decent people! 40 years is not an age. I’m 38, and I think I haven’t lived yet. And life does not lie in a man, please look around, there is so much in the world. Think about who/what(business) you can be pleasant and useful, what good you can do. I believe that you need to give yourself to the person who needs it. Otherwise, it turns out, excuse me, throwing pearls before swine.

Another life exists. She is ALREADY different for you.
You are ALREADY in it. Why not ACCEPT what's on at the moment God and the situation suggest? Please think about the concept of humility. God did allow this, which means... it makes some sense. Try to understand what God wants to tell you, what he wants to tell you, what he wants to call you to, what he wants to reveal to you with this situation about Himself, about you, about your ex-husband, about people...

Love God, love yourself, love the world, people and children, and not the person who does not need this love. A senseless waste of spiritual resources, it’s better to give your love, warmth, and attention to THOSE REALLY IN NEED. And they are always there)

L., age: 38 / 04/11/2012

Hello, Nadezhda! As someone wisely wrote on this site: hope dies last, but in case of separation it must be killed first. You are too stuck in your grief, stuck in it like a fly in jam. Nadezhda, dear, it’s already been 3 years! 3 whole years! this is a whole little life, well, maybe that’s enough already, but seriously, you finally pull yourself together and put an end to it. You can’t hope for posthumous heaven with your ex-husband; pathetic traitors like your husband don’t go to heaven. Now is such a wonderful time - Holy Week, God hears our prayers more than ever, you still have time to confess and receive communion, light a candle behind BM and ask the Lord to help you forget him as soon as possible. And start a new countdown, a new life, fill it with joys, even the smallest ones, start communicating with people, go on an excursion to some interesting place, get a kitten and learn to rejoice simply in the fact that you are alive, because every day of our life is a real miracle, be grateful for this gift from above. Yes, your husband is gone, but you are still alive, which means God has some special plans for you, we mortals are not given the opportunity to know what awaits us around the corner, but it is so interesting - just to know what will happen next. Pull yourself together and good luck to you!

Alla, age: not important / 04/12/2012

Thank you for your kind words and wise advice, I feel that I can, I understand what to do to free myself from this numbness. I believe that everything will work out and your soul will be light, I’m just sorry for the wasted time. Thank you for your support. Vera, and my name will help me too!

Nadezhda, age: 40 / 04/15/2012

Dear Nadezhda! You are in a lot of pain and heartbreak right now, but this will pass with time. The main thing is not to have any illusions, HE WILL NOT RETURN. No matter how sad it may sound. Drive away these thoughts of his return! Throw away all his photographs and things so that nothing reminds you of him. You are still so young! Remember the words from the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears”: “At 40, life is just beginning..”
From the letter I realized that you, Nadezhda, are a very decent person. You deserve to be happy. I wish you patience and strength to forget him! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Emma, ​​age: 27 / 04/22/2012

Nadyusha!
Stay healthy. I, like no one, can understand you: having lived quite happily with my husband for 27 years, I received a “stab in the back” of the same kind.
He left for someone else, just a couple of years younger than me, who was hungry for other people’s husbands.
As it turned out, she knew very well that he was a family man, but continued to aggravate her destructive and dubious activities.
Naturally, to put it mildly, I was wildly worried, but I thought like this:
- if he preferred “such” a woman to me, then he is not worthy of ME;
- if I become hysterical and ask him to come back, etc., then I will only give him an even more opportunity to be convinced that he made the right choice;
- I’d rather be subtly indifferent to his new life, which, by the way, cannot help but hurt him, and I’ll start to BLOOM for others - which, by the way, often gives a good result!

And I decided that I should arrange MY life myself and live it with pleasure.
HOPE, I wish you to make the same decision!!!
And life will certainly PUNISH homewreckers!

Laura, age: 55 / 02/19/2014

Thank you for all the advice that is addressed to Nadezhda here, I hope they will help me too, I wrote it wrong, I’m sure P O M O G U T!!! Of course, I cried heartily, but all the words here were chosen just right! You have to go forward, no matter what the cost, but what a PAIN.......... how you want a calm, happy life to begin immediately. I have almost the same problem, but with an additional weight! Yes, he walks around, cheats, at HOME (not in the apartment) does nothing, does absolutely nothing finger on finger, he has a secret life of his own, complete indifference towards me, comes whenever he pleases, in the evenings we are always silent, and if I talk about anything - I start talking, he turns on indifference, I see that I annoy him. But the problem is that we live under the same roof, my parents built a house for me, and he doesn’t leave. Why? I just don't understand. If he doesn’t need me, I would go there forever, where he is comfortable. Here I am again crying and thinking that it’s all my fault! Sorry.

Ksyusha, age: 42 / 07/08/2014

Nadezhda, Ksyusha, I understand your pain very well because I lived with BM for 25 years, we celebrated our silver wedding in August, and in May after the sanatorium, I was informed that he has another woman (my story from 01/21/13 ).
2 years have already passed, and the wounds are healing very slowly, but I feel that it’s already easier, it doesn’t give me peace of mind how such women (mistresses) can build their happiness on grief and even their conscience does not torment them. My BM met the “matryoshka” when he was working for his mistress (he had a shift) and told her that he was not married, but how did she believe him? After all, almost all men on business trips are bachelors, even when she found out that he had a family, she stepped over us (me and the children) and continued to build relationships, because a lot depends on the decisions of these women. God is their judge. Now I’ve calmed down a little, but I know that soon I’ll be very “stormed” because BM is going to bring his mistress to his parents (my grandfather’s 80th anniversary is 08/06/14) and all the relatives are going and I really don’t want my daughters to meet with "matryoshka" and even lived under the same roof. I just know that I will be hysterical, but there’s nothing to be done, they don’t take me into account anymore. I know that it will be bad and again I will raise myself from the ruins. My biggest help is the church. I am already asking the Lord to give me patience and strength to endure all this.
Girls, there will be a holiday on our street! Just don’t lose faith in God and take care of yourself.
God bless you!

Lyudmila, age: 53 / 07/11/2014

Nadezhda, dear, I understand you perfectly. I was waiting too. For 1.5 years he lived with someone else, and I suffered. Came back, I was in seventh heaven
from happiness. We lived for a year. And exactly a year later he betrayed me for the second time. He went to her. And now I'm experiencing all this horror
second round. It's unbearable. No one will help us here. We must grit our teeth and live out of spite! It hurts, it's unbearable, it's not...
convey in words. But we have to live. Although I also ask God to take me away.

Margosha, age: 44 / 11/24/2017

Nadenka. The pain of the soul is very severe pain. You have children, they are already big, but they are still in your “nest”. How will they enter
adult life depends on you. Look at them, their father hurt their hearts, what they feel in their hearts (pain,
betrayal, resentment for yourself and for you, distrust, disappointment...) And only you are nearby. Switch to your children, give them
your love for two, both for your father and for yourself. So that the pain of their soul, which is still so vulnerable, would go away, so that the resentment that their
abandoned, which can last for the rest of their lives. The emotional wounds of our children can be much deeper. May God teach you
with your love your children - to love and forgive. Then there will be peace for your soul and the souls of your children! If you love a person very much, then
You want him to be happy with all your heart. Wish your husband happiness and forgive him. Ask God to give you the strength to forgive and give you strength
live on and find the meaning of your life. When children see you happy, loving and there will be forgiveness and peace in their hearts. Life on
In fact, there are ups and downs, but every person has the inner strength to rise. Love unconditionally and YOU too
YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

Marina, age: 54 / 12/21/2017

Previous request Next request

Magazine "Psychology for Every Day"

How does this happen?

Have you ever wondered what is there on the other side of the mirror? Look. You just saw yourself in the mirror - so beautiful, smiling - and now, a second later, there is nothing. This is roughly how a person who has been betrayed feels. Something subtly changes in the soul: to short time it becomes empty. Then anger, resentment, and a desire for revenge settle in her. Then, if you're lucky, forgiveness. But there is a moment in which the soul is empty. What is leaving her? First of all, faith. Faith as trust in the world.

Betrayal - what is it?

A person is born helpless: he is not able to support his own life. He can only trust the world that it will leave him alive. At first we seek support from our mother and trust her. We need warmth, food and love as a feeling of confidence that we will be helped. About two years social connections the child expands and he comes out into Big World. He learns to interact, establish relationships with friends, passers-by, with his aunt on a bench, with his uncle at a bus stop, looks curiously at the dog, determining - friend or foe? Some people do it better, some do it worse. But each of us, sooner or later, finds himself standing in front of a mirror like this and sees emptiness there. And it seems like the world has turned its back.

How does this happen?

Differently. And always unexpected. After all, the essence of betrayal is the violation of our trust in the things that are most important to us, and its beginning is exactly where our faith ends. The conclusion is sad: betrayal cannot be foreseen. It is useless to guess where you will fall and lay straw there in advance. Each time, completely unexpectedly and anew, with all possible severity, we are faced with feelings that destroy us.

And then?

In psychology today, the problem of effective behavior in difficult situations. The most promising direction in this area is coping theory. The term was introduced by the American psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1987, and refers to coping behavior as constantly changing mental and behavioral attempts to cope with external or internal problems that arise in front of a person. In essence, coping behavior distinguishes a person’s readiness to solve life’s problems. On the opposite side of the pole is the expressive behavior of the “offended” and the “betrayed” - behavior in which a person’s actions are dictated only by “bare” emotions. In this case, the lady “treacherously” abandoned by her loved one revels in her own guilt in the morning, gets angry at the “scoundrel” in the afternoon, and falls into depression closer to night. Further - more. Our heroine will begin act under the influence of these emotions! That is, to beg and curse, scold and apologize, and thus completely confuse everything and become confused. What’s wrong with this wonderful, time-tested method? Because the problem is not solved this way. After all, our deceived heroine is only concerned with herself, and not with the problem. A completely different way is effective: solve the problem and thus get rid of negative experiences.

What if you calm down?

How should you behave in such a situation? The answer is ridiculously simple. First, calm down, and then decide what exactly to do. And not the other way around - first get excited and “pile up too much,” and then “scratch your turnips” over the consequences of your own emotional storm. Have you calmed down? But now it’s worth thinking about what you yourself did to be betrayed.

As you might guess, only a loved one is capable of betraying. After all, it was to him that we “turned our backs”, it was he who possessed “secret information”, it was to him that some hopes were pinned. Was it worth it? It has been noticed that the stronger our feelings about someone’s treachery, the more responsibility for our own destiny we have managed to transfer to the “deceiver” before. It is much easier to betray a person who is dependent and psychologically helpless (like a baby) than someone who keeps important issues for himself rather than giving them to someone else to solve. The notorious departure of the husband is in one case an annoying prick of fate, and in another - the collapse of the picture of the world. And if your case is the second, consider that your husband gave you a gift. By leaving, he gave you the opportunity to make sure that you can live without him. The picture of the world will be restored. Just be kind, next time don’t give so much space to your new husband. Not everyone can bear such a load. And your life will be more fun.

Betrayal as a mistake

Very often, it helps to stop worrying about someone’s treachery by reviewing the situation in which your “deceiver” finds himself. After all, it is much easier to forgive a person if he made a mistake than if you know for sure that he is a villain with a cold heart!

Believe me, there are very few villains with cold hearts. And it’s unlikely that you were lucky enough to pull out such a disastrous card. As practice shows, any ugly act, as a rule, has a sad motive. The biggest meannesses from the inside are often felt as weakness. And then a merciless fate intervenes and completes the dirty deed. Yes, your loved one has an exceptionally pretty secretary. It’s more likely that he simply folded rather than want to hurt you. Forgive him as one forgives the weak. After all, it is easier to forgive the weak than the evil.

Here, by the way, there is an interesting nuance that can help. Do you find it difficult to consider an atrocity a mistake? Do you prefer to continue to expose? You probably think that the “villain” must bear 100% responsibility for what he did? Great. What about your 100% responsibility? After all, it was you who allowed the situation to happen. It was you who gave the traitor the cards. You are the one who trusted! You, not someone else, allowed your trust to be abused.

Oh, were you mistaken? Of course you are wrong. And he too.

How to forgive the unforgivable?

Alas, this also happens.

You have been betrayed so cruelly that forgiveness is out of the question. What then are we talking about? Probably about revenge. You are tormented, not knowing how to respond to the offender. You blame yourself for being too gullible. You are amazed again and again how it was possible to do this is for you? After all, you are so special!

Unfortunately, various sad incidents are also bad because they take away from us the illusion of our own exclusivity. It is also called the “recruit illusion.” This illusion can be described with a simple phrase - “there’s nothing wrong with me.” such can't happen, because it's me! The collapse of this illusion is very painful. Turns out, such It can happen: they betray and deceive - not someone, somewhere. It turns out that this is possible here and now, right with you, so unique and inimitable. And now you need to take revenge: to prove to him (her or them) that they were mistaken by mixing you with the crowd.

You may be surprised, but revenge will not help. Firstly, absolutely everyone wants to take revenge “in the heat” of resentment. That is, you are not unique in this either. And secondly, revenge does not at all undo what was done to you. And therefore, you are again in the crowd.

There is only one way to forgive the unforgivable. It works despite its paradoxical nature. Try to understand what forced the offender to act this way and not otherwise. This is especially important in the case of intentional atrocities against you. Think: what have you done? such, what caused you to be harmed so horribly? Imagine how bad it must have been for a person who committed such an ugly act. Don’t you think that a loved one could hit you casually, without thinking? So there were reasons? And they were probably serious. And, sad as it may be, this reason is you. And you probably did him no less harm. And how did you manage to do this? This is the most interesting thing. And when you find the answer, ask for forgiveness for your part of the evil done. I promise you will feel better.

Plus to minus

Finally, I want to give you one trick. It will help, if not remove, then reduce the pain from the trouble that has occurred. Just think again, what's really the problem when you've been betrayed? Exactly what they betrayed? Or - the feelings that washed over you? This important question. Imagine: in the morning, a certain woman’s husband “meanly” left her, and in the afternoon she found out that she miraculously is the owner of a villa in the Canaries, a new Lamborghini and marriage contract with Leonardo DiCaprio. Will she be sad in the evening? It's a difficult question.

Now do you understand that any betrayal is within us, and not at all outside?

To my husband, Nikita Blinov - thanks for the ideas and support.

Betrayal is a fairly broad concept, by which people can understand the most different cases. When psychologists are asked the question, how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, we can talk about treason, breaking a promise, giving out secret information to strangers, or some other actions. However, in each of the listed cases, what remains unchanged is that after a loved one betrays us, a painful trace remains in the soul, and along with trust in this person, faith in other people disappears.

Learning to cope with the emotional wound caused by betrayal is, of course, not easy, but it must be done. The betrayal of a sincerely loved person usually hurts the most, because it is he who, hoping for support and understanding, is trusted the most hidden secrets, and if trouble happens, you have to count on his support. And after he betrays us, he remains unbearable pain: psychologists believe that any betrayal is perceived by us as betrayal, and moral betrayal can hit much harder than physical betrayal. Silent suffering does not carry anything positive for the future person; every person needs to find the strength to cope with the blow and begin to live a full life.

What to do if your loved one betrayed you

In most cases, when you have to experience the betrayal of a loved one, the victim of betrayal is literally overwhelmed by various emotions. It is emotions that are the cause of all thoughts and actions that arise in this case. For example, a woman whose husband has cheated begins to look for the reason for his action, delve into herself in search of her shortcomings and, in most cases, blames herself for her husband’s betrayal. The next day she is filled with hatred for her husband, and the next day usually comes the turn of depression and endless tears. Psychologists say that if you start thinking about how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, then all of the above is absolutely wrong, since the existing problem will never be solved in this way.

So, the most important thing is to try to express your emotions and not let them get the better of you. First of all, you need to get rid of all your worries, but you shouldn’t withdraw into yourself, hiding from problems and emotions “under the covers,” waiting for your inner pain to subside. If a woman who has experienced betrayal feels that in order to get rid of emotions, she needs to scream or break dishes, psychologists advise doing just that. For some, calmer methods will help: for example, putting your thoughts on paper. The main rule is to remember that pain that has not found a way out will hide inside the body, and subsequently will certainly manifest itself in the form of some kind of disease.

How to behave when you manage to give vent to your emotions

When you yell or let off steam in some other way, psychologists advise trying to pretend that the terrible thing didn’t happen to you. In order to understand how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, you need to completely distance yourself from what happened: for example, communicate with him only when necessary. There is no need to go somewhere for this: after all, this is possible, unfortunately, not in every case. It would be much more correct to learn to move away from yourself everything that happened until it no longer causes you pain.

How to learn to live after betrayal

For every person who has been betrayed, the most pressing question is how to survive the betrayal of a loved one. Experienced experts recommend remembering those friends whom you have not seen for many years: after the experience comes the most best time to visit them. If circumstances force you to stay at work, try to take on the most interesting and exciting responsibilities, and complex tasks try to avoid it, so that if you don’t have enough strength to complete them, you won’t fail.

If possible, it is recommended to devote time to your favorite hobbies: if you are an avid theatergoer, spend your “stash” on tickets, and if you “dream” about traveling, try to go on vacation. Doing what you love is best way“clearing” your brain, especially if it leads you to a new, non-binding romance.

Treacherous people pretend to be your best friends just to hang around you. However, as soon as you turn your back, they betray you by spreading lies and gossip about you. Whatever the reasons for such behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from them. If similar situation is long-lasting, then you should find a way to stop its influence on your life. Thus, you need to either improve relations with the traitor or throw him out of your life.

Steps

Part 1

Protecting ourselves from a hypocrite

Check and double-check the information before you take action. People have a tendency to exaggerate when they spread rumors, and you may be overreacting to something that didn't actually happen. If your fears are justified, act.

Keep gossip to a minimum on your part. Don't spread rumors in the company of strangers. You may be tempted to be helpful and start sharing gossip you've heard about your teacher or boss, but who knows who others might pass on your words to. If you cannot refrain from gossiping or complaining about someone, do so only in the company of people who do not know the person you are talking about.

• You can listen to gossip and rumors from other people, as long as you do not take part in them yourself. If you can’t stop gossiping, then at least try to listen more and talk less.

1. Build good relationships with the people around you. Be friendly and helpful, even with strangers. This way, if someone starts spreading gossip about you, others will be less likely to side with them.

   • Treat everyone at work with respect, not just your immediate colleagues and management. If you only care about these relationships, you may inadvertently offend a secretary, intern, or subordinate. career ladder colleagues who will remind you of this.

2. Learn to recognize the signs of hypocrisy and betrayal early on. The more time a traitor spends spreading lies about you and harming you, the more difficult it will be to repair the damage done. If you spot signs of treachery early, you can fend off attacks before they gain momentum. Please be aware of the following warning signs:

   • You hear rumors about things you didn't do or say.
   • You said something to someone personally, and now everyone knows about it.
   • People have stopped sharing information with you, assigning work tasks, or inviting you to events that they used to invite you to.
   • People start treating you coldly or unfriendly for reasons you don't understand.

3. Remember that not all annoying behavior is a sign of betrayal. Make sure you don't make mountains out of molehills when you accuse a person of being a hypocrite. Unflattering behavior, such as systematic tardiness, negligence or narcissism, is typical of thoughtless people and is not necessarily a sign of betrayal. Misdeeds such as canceling a meeting at the last minute or neglecting your phone call are also not signs of hypocrisy.

   Start keeping notes about events that happen. As soon as you begin to suspect someone of treason, get into the habit of writing down all suspicious incidents. Write down everything that happened and why you think the person wanted to hurt you on purpose. This will make it easier for you to evaluate what is happening and figure out in which case an unpleasant event is part of the general attitude towards you, and in which case it is a simple misunderstanding.

   Try to recognize a traitor. When you see signs of targeted harm, take a closer look at people's behavior to narrow down the suspects. Carefully observe the behavior of possible traitors before drawing any conclusions. Rudeness towards you may just be the result of a bad day. Here are a few behaviors to watch out for:

   • Discuss with someone you trust and ask to keep the conversation confidential.
   • If you suspect someone in particular, talk to someone who knows him but is not his friend. If there is no reliable person in your sight who fits this description, discuss it with someone who does not know him - describe the behavior of this person, not your opinion about him.

4. Don't become a hypocrite and a traitor yourself. You may be tempted to take revenge on this person with his own weapon. Don't let yourself be pulled into something like this. This will most likely make the situation worse, ruin your mood, and become even more emotionally immersed in what is happening. Moreover, it will damage your reputation even if you deal with the traitor (which is unlikely).

   Part 2

   Dealing with a traitorous friend

   1. Calm down. Sometimes people just do nasty things, but in reality it results in betrayal. Anger and irritation will not improve the situation. It is in your best interest (short and long term) to remain calm and focus on practical side question. There is no need to ignore the situation. Just try to do your usual activities.

      Appeal to the traitor's positive personality traits. Treating a traitor with kindness is probably the last thing you want to do, but if you calm down a little and sincerely try to understand his position, you can really improve the situation. Most passive-aggressive people, which includes traitors, think that they have to resort to sneaky and hurtful methods because they are not appreciated.

      • Invite the traitor to some event. Do something fun and distracting that will make the traitor feel good about you again.

   2. Challenge the hypocrite to a direct dialogue. Contact him personally, write a message or send email, if a face-to-face conversation is not possible. In a polite manner, make it clear that you want to discuss recent events. Make sure the conversation stays between you.

      Describe the situation honestly. Don't threaten. Talk about incidents that hurt you and how they affected you. Ask the person to confirm facts (for example, a message or letter they sent, etc.).

      Listen to your interlocutor. Chances are your friend doesn't want to be mad at you for the rest of his life. Give him the opportunity to get his point across without interrupting or getting angry. There is always the possibility that you were wrong and that the situation is much more complicated than you thought.

      Ask for forgiveness for everything you did wrong. Even if it seems to you that your friend is more to blame, look at the situation through his eyes. Apologize if you misunderstood and accidentally offended him, even if you were partially at fault.

      Forgive your friend when you feel ready. If you want to rebuild your friendship, you need to forgive each other for the mistakes you've made. Even if the relationship can no longer be repaired, forgiveness will help you move on and stop worrying about the betrayal.

      Talk about your friendship and current problems. Be frank and open. If something goes wrong, discuss it one-on-one. If one of you is upset about specific actions or repeated behavior of the other, talk about it. Let your friend know how you feel.

   3. Be prepared for change. After you have discussed your problems, you need to prepare yourself to make changes that will help restore trust between you. Perhaps you need to find new joint activities to spend more time together if your friend's usual pastime does not suit your friend. If a friend tells you that your words hurt him, remember this and try to avoid nicknames, intonations and habits that hurt him.

      • Mistakes are inevitable, especially if you are trying to break old habits. Apologize if you made a mistake; forgive your friend if he made a mistake.

   4. If your attempts fail, end the friendship. Sometimes trust cannot be restored and betrayal ends the friendship. If you've done everything in your power and it doesn't work, you need to find a way to move on.

      • By this point, you have most likely already had a conversation about friendship and betrayal. If your friend has not expressed a desire to correct the situation, simply stop communicating with him.
      • If you both have already made attempts to restore friendship, but were not successful, then calmly discuss the current situation and stop communicating.
      • Sometimes ending a friendship comes naturally. You need to invite your friend to events less and less often, and periodically do not answer his calls. Ignoring them completely may hurt the person, but gradually moving away will lead to a breakup, making the process less painful.

Have you been betrayed? A person who was dear to you, who was your friend, whom you loved, left you, and you no longer feel the desire for love within you? Very good. Simply wonderful. (You will understand why this is good and wonderful when you read to the end of the article). Someday this would definitely happen. Every person, there is no exception here, because this is not a rule, but a natural component of a person’s full life and his constructive harmonious development.

Many people think that it is only they who are so unlucky. They are wrong to think so. It is generally inappropriate to talk about luck or bad luck here. And it’s best to treat this as “ viral disease souls." There are people who rarely get sick, but there are no people who never get sick at all. The main thing is to understand that betrayal in love is normal.

Now about disorders and experiences and how to overcome them, how to cope with them.

First of all, ask yourself a question. How could it be otherwise? You were betrayed, that is, your trust was not justified, and, of course, you turned into a negative emotional state. You are a man! You are not a robot. Animals also feel sad when they are abandoned by those to whom they are accustomed, to whom they have become attached and who are dear to them. What can we say about a person? In a person, betrayal should naturally cause very strong grief.

Human emotions are not a set of abstract concepts that can be present in a person at his request. Artificial joy or artificial grief are not emotions. Emotion is a concrete concept and necessarily has a connection with certain life circumstances, in which a person finds himself. Joyful circumstances cause positive emotions; sad circumstances cause negative emotions. And if you are a mentally healthy person, then such a circumstance as betrayal will inevitably cause you melancholy and grief. You will begin to worry and worry very much. You will be overwhelmed by resentment. Your soul will feel unbearable pain. You will feel very sorry for yourself. YOU will start to feel sorry for yourself. You will fall into melancholy and melancholy. Apathy will consume you.

It is possible to list all the negative things that happen to a person when he is betrayed endlessly. I think what has been said is enough to understand that a person finds himself in a state where other people and love cause him, to put it mildly, doubt. A person becomes disappointed in people, disappointed in love, and can easily say that there is no love.

What is correct here is that there really is no love in his life anymore. His love is gone; she left him with the person she came with. Love is always two. One is when without love. And it is not surprising that, suddenly finding himself alone, a person gets scared and with his fear begins to spin into his mind who knows what kind of fantasies, such as those that there is no love and you can’t trust anyone. The reason for such misconceptions is precisely fear, which was a consequence of suddenly arising loneliness. A person will cope with fear and the delusions caused by it will pass.

Now let's think about this. Is it really possible that immediately after your loved one leaves you (it doesn’t matter whether he left you or this person died), you immediately, without any special emotions or worries, continue to live peacefully and in search of new love Do you calmly switch to a new object?

-Are you leaving? - you exclaim joyfully and enthusiastically, looking with a loving gaze at the one you love, without whom you cannot imagine your existence, but who is quite tired of you and who has decided to leave you. - What happiness! I wish you all the best, the best and…. I'm very happy for you. I hope whoever you find instead of me will make you happy. I, with your permission, will quickly run to look for another love. You understand that you cannot live without love. Psychologists, philosophers, and even Wizards strongly advise a person to live in love. - And happy you run away in search of new love.

Is this possible? This is of course impossible. What happened so strongly affects a person’s peace of mind that it seems to him that along with his love, he was also abandoned. . And, sometimes, a person no longer wants any other love, and does not feel the desire to live further. And the most important thing is that a person who has been betrayed in love stops believing in love.

It is natural that you are worried and it is natural that your life ceases to be happy, ceases to be joyful, and of course you are not yet in the mood for new love, and some time must pass in order for... and now ATTENTION!... in order NOT to gain new powers of love in yourself, but in order to want love again . And then the question is posed differently, namely: “What to do with yourself at this time?” Do you understand what we're talking about? It's not about how to quickly eliminate Bad mood and negative emotions, and what to do with yourself until the negative emotions about this disappear and what needs to be done to prevent these negative emotions from becoming chronic?

Regarding negative emotions and experiences caused by betrayal, then, as a rule, if you live correctly, they pass within a year. What does right mean? That's right - this means that during this year you need to continue your full life (if, of course, you had one, this very full life): work, study, mind your own business, relax, and so on, consistent with your meaning in life and making your life as interesting as possible.

And then it all comes down to . If your life has been meaningful to you, then it will not be difficult for you to captivate yourself in work, in study, in your business, in leisure, and so on. It's another matter if you are a senseless person. Then, of course, it will be difficult for you to survive this year. It is generally difficult for senseless people to live, and it is even more difficult for them when they are betrayed. Do what you consider necessary for your development, but what you did NOT do when you lived with someone who betrayed you. Travel, explore foreign languages, paint pictures, learn to sing and dance, sign up for computer courses and learn how to create blogs, websites and publish newsletters, make an innovation proposal at work. And in general, don't reduce everything to love , this is the wrong way. Love is a great idea, but man, as an idea, is higher and more significant than the idea called love .

And one more thing... Think about the fact that even if you were not betrayed, and you lived together for many years, death could separate you. Your loved one or loved one could die before you. And then we wouldn’t be talking about betrayal, and the emotions and experiences would be the same. Unless, of course, we are talking about love. If you are now more overcome by jealousy that your love chose someone else, then this was not love in your life, but only passion.

But, as for the loss of love, I would better pose the question as follows. How to live after your loved one leaves you? This is a really valid question. And the answer to it will be exactly the same as I gave above.

It is necessary to understand that a person is unable to overcome his negative emotions, experiences and worries with the help of logical reasoning. Logic has no power over emotions. Severe psychological trauma, and loss of love refers specifically to these types of mental trauma, need to live (live, experience) . Live (experience), in the sense of going through your life with these experiences. But a lot depends on how exactly these traumas are lived.

The inability to properly experience grievances, losses, bereavements, especially with regard to the loss of loved ones and dear people when it comes to death, leads to the fact that a person is immersed in his negative emotions and remains in them forever, that is, he becomes a chronically mentally ill person.

It is very important, when you are faced with the death of someone dear to you, whether it is the death of your child, parents, husband or wife, friends, and so on, to think about what to do with yourself at this time? Do you understand what we're talking about? I repeat once again that this is not about how to quickly eliminate a bad mood and negative emotions, but about what to do with yourself until these emotions disappear and what needs to be done to prevent these negative emotions from becoming chronic.

I have already said above, and I will repeat again, negative emotions and experiences from parting with loved ones, as a rule, if you do not immerse yourself in them and do not focus on them, pass within a year. During this year, it is necessary to lead a socially active lifestyle: work, study, mind your own business, relax, and so on, in accordance with and making your life as full and varied as possible. In addition, it is necessary to eliminate everything that reminds you of the loss: personal belongings, photographs, in general, everything that can somehow remind you of the loss. If necessary and possible, then change your place of residence. Changing your place of residence, if you lived with someone who died, is the best way to get rid of negative memories. And there is no betrayal here.

A lot of people mistakenly believe that they must cherish forever the memory of someone they loved and who died. This is perhaps the most important misconception. These people do the exact opposite of what they need to do to stay mentally healthy. healthy person. Such people keep all the personal belongings of the deceased, look at his photographs every day, regularly visit the place of his burial and mentally talk with this person constantly. Why do these people do this? There can be any number of answers. The feeling of guilt alone is worth it when people feel guilty of something in front of those who died, and cannot forgive themselves for not being able to correct their mistakes during their lifetime. I do not condemn these people, but I draw their attention and the attention of other people to the fact that with their behavior they are only making things worse. Their sacrifices, otherwise there is no other way to describe such behavior, are in vain and do not lead to any positive result, except for disorders alone.

Betrayal is unjustified trust, violation of fidelity and failure to fulfill a duty. Only a living person can betray a living person. The dead cannot be betrayed. And even if you behaved dishonestly towards a person who was close to you, whom you valued, and so on, then do not try to be better to him after he died. All! The person has died and nothing can be fixed in your relationship with him. And even if you allowed betrayal towards him, now it no longer matters. Moreover, there is no point in maintaining so-called fidelity to the deceased if you do not feel any guilt. Although... I understand, of course, that a person is designed in such a way that he always feels guilty when it comes to a person who died and with whom he was well acquainted.

What else can you wish for goodbye? Don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, don't overeat. Drink coffee as little as possible. Very often these remedies are used to overcome negative emotions. Take care of yourself and yours physical health for the person you will definitely meet. At night, you can read my article “The Long Path to Love.”

Human development is inevitably connected with the shocks he experiences. No problems, no shocks - no development. And the stronger the shock, the more significant the problem that arises in a person’s life, the greater the person’s opportunity to rise in his development. Problems sober up a person's consciousness. Problems remove from a person’s path the illusions he has piled up for himself. And the more significant the problem, the more a person sobers up, the more his consciousness becomes clearer.

Have you been offended? Have you been treated unfairly? Have you been robbed? Have you been deceived? Have you been betrayed? Amazing! Use this as an opportunity to rise in your development much higher than you are. Nothing has such a beneficial effect on a person’s consciousness as betrayal; nothing clears a person’s consciousness more than betrayal; especially, if this is a betrayal in love. Unless only the death of a loved one can compete with betrayal in love in terms of the degree of purification and clarification of human consciousness.

I wish your loved ones health and longevity, but... if this happens and they leave you, leaving you alone with your grief, use this for your development - this is the only the right way out from the current situation. The suffering of the soul is a fire that burns everything unnecessary that is in a person; but even in the suffering of the soul it is necessary to observe moderation, otherwise a person risks becoming a chronic sufferer.