Otitis

Psychology correspondence on the Internet. Love by correspondence

The topic of online dating is very popular. Nowadays, many people meet through the Internet. This is quite an easy and simple method compared to others. Let me note that there are as many opinions as there are people. You yourself have probably heard different opinions on this matter.

If we approach this topic from the point of view of a sexologist psychologist, then I would say the following. It is impossible to clearly determine whether it is good or bad, whether there is a chance or hopeless, since in this situation much depends on the person himself.

In this regard, I will tell you about my work with a woman from Moscow, to solve the problems of her unsettled personal life. It was interesting that she had been trying to meet people on the Internet for about 15 years, posting her profile on dating sites, but her personal life was still unsettled.

Next, we reached her conviction regarding online dating: “Who can you find here, well, they’re all unlucky, there are no normal men at all.” And if you consider one important point If what is in our head is embodied in our lives, then this very problem was embodied in her life.

She met men, but these acquaintances only confirmed that there are only unlucky ones there: they can deceive, etc. She found herself in some strange situations: they took off her a large amount from the phone; then the men turned out to be gigolos; they simply promised “mountains of gold” and disappeared.

I would like to draw a small conclusion from the above. Dear readers, decide for yourself who you are looking for on the Internet on dating sites - this is the man who will make you happy, with whom you can start a family, or this... (and how would you finish this phrase for yourself). If you say that I am looking for the positive, but only one comes across... . Isn't it time to do something about it? Or we will continue to solve a problem that is unsolvable for ourselves.

Well, when something became clear, I want to continue using the example of my work as a psychotherapist in Voronezh. I was working with a client on a slightly different, but overlapping problem.

This was my client, a 27-year-old girl. She turned to me to resolve her condition after love experiences. She had been in love with a guy for a long time, found him via the Internet and they began a correspondence, which was more of a friendly nature on his part.

When she hinted to him that she was interested in him, he said that they could only be friends, because he had a girlfriend whom he loved. The client came to me in a state of deep emotions. After two hours of psychotherapy, I was able to adequately normalize her condition. But the most important result of our work was the following: if at the beginning she wanted to return him, to bring him closer to herself by doing something incredible, then at the end of the work, unexpectedly for herself, she said: “Do I need him at all? Is this the right person? I now began to understand that he and I are completely different. And why am I so obsessed with him?

And I would also like to provide information general for all women who meet via the Internet. If you understand your message: “why am I going online dating, who do I want to find there?” This is certainly one of important aspects so that you do not embody the problem in life and do not go towards it.

But the second thing is no less important - first remove your problematic condition. Try to evaluate yourself first. You know yourself, determine who you are now, analyze your pros and cons, obstacles along the way, and start changing. After all, in response to your negative state, there may be a similar person, in accordance with the principle “details attract like.”

If you don't know what you need to be happy in family life– you can see this using the example of your friends. If you have examples of successful marriages, then after analyzing, you can understand what you personally need to add or remove, what qualities to create a happy family.

And if you determine this, then you can then think about: “what’s stopping me, and what kind of person I want to become.” Well, the last thing - everyone decides for themselves. Either you change yourself and change your life, or go to a psychologist, sexologist, psychotherapist and put your thoughts in order.

I would like to end my article with a statement from Jalaluddin Rumi: “What are you crying about? The source is within you, and this whole world grows from it.” Good luck!

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Valeria!

The situation in which you find yourself is familiar to those who correspond on social networks. I would like to help you! I will write my opinion and ways to clarify the situation for you! Of course, you will make the decision yourself.
I am proceeding only from the information that I received in the letter. So ask yourself and answer in writing the following questions:
1.What was the purpose of your meeting a guy after a week of correspondence, 2 weeks, half a year, a year? Has anything changed in relation to this person in feelings, in thoughts, in the prospect of relationships?
2. After the guy stopped correspondence on long time What did you feel, think, do to find out the reason?
3. How did he himself explain to you his unexpected disappearance and return to correspondence?
4. Do your views on love coincide? What does it mean to you to love and be loved? Ask him about this too.
I heard in your letter bitterness from the fact that you feel more like his friend, with whom he can cry and receive support, and not his beloved girl! Not even a friend, because friendship, like love, is a concept where one-sided support is excluded subject to reciprocity.
It’s not clear from the letter how frank your relationship is? I dare to suggest (sorry, if something is wrong, there is not enough information) that you do not trust him. Answer yourself why, if this is so. Do you always rely on your parents' opinions when making decisions?
After all, Valeria, you are 22 years old, and if you go on a date with a guy who came from another city with your parents, then this is also very extraordinary, especially if it was unexpected for the guy. The guy might even get the impression that they want to trick him into marriage))) You don’t write anything about your feelings for him, only at the end you ask: “Maybe this isn’t love?” That is, I understand that for you, love is what you need? They write to you, they showed you signs of attention in the form of gifts and that’s all? Is this love?
If I say goodbye to a guy and want to see him again, if I trust him, if when I break up I’m already looking forward to seeing him again, if I love, I will never ask myself the question: “Do I love him?” I KNOW that I love him without any explanations or attempts to prove to anyone why I love him, even to my parents. Of course, reason must be present in decision-making when entering into a marital relationship, but feelings first! This is what will strengthen your relationship in moments that are not very joyful, because life is not always strewn with flowers.
Dear Valeria, I really want you to be happy and therefore you are absolutely right in looking for answers to your doubts. This shows how responsible a girl you are. This is a very attractive quality in a person.
You write that your parents do not let you go to him in another city and that this is a risk for you. What's the risk? That is, you want guarantees from him that your relationship will lead to marriage, otherwise there is no reason to communicate closely? The degree of closeness can be determined in advance. But if there is no trust, then the relationship is doomed to failure. Maybe you are still a girl and it is important for you to maintain chastity before marriage, then you need to select a candidate for marriage for whom virginity is an absolute value in a spouse - this is what is for you a guarantee of his respect and reliability. (I can say from practice, that this is not the case).
It is impossible to calculate your whole life in advance. Therefore, get acquainted, communicate, always ask your heart what it feels, because simple correspondence does not oblige you to anything. Ask as many of your interlocutors as possible about what they do in certain situations, so you will better know how much your views on life coincide. If a guy has little interest in your feelings, then you will once again be a “vest” - do you need it? You are so young and everything will definitely be fine with you, since you are looking for answers to complex life questions!
I got the impression that you first need to understand your personality. To what extent have you formed your values, how independent are you? What for real makes you happy? A psychologist can help you get to know yourself better and significantly reduce the time it takes to get to yourself!
Ask yourself before going to bed if questions of choice arise in any situation, and in the morning you will definitely receive an answer from the unconscious in the form of a dream, a call, various symbolic events)))) Good luck to you!

IN lately user interest has increased social networks to the analysis of correspondence that they conduct with other participants. There are several reasons for this: the growing growth of scammers on the Internet, difficulties in recognizing the motives of communication (friendship, sex, business, etc.), the desire to attract the attention of a certain type of people, and others.

The user sends a request for analysis, in which, as a rule, he formulates the purpose of his request, for which he needs this analysis. Appeals can be combined into several groups:

help to understand the behavior of the interlocutor, his motives, desires
relationship forecast (are people suitable for each other, what to expect from communication in the future)
build a pattern of behavior with your interlocutor in order to achieve the desired goal(conclude a contract, “promote a date”)
break off relationships with minimal trauma for the interlocutor.
change your communication style, learn to interact productively.

The most striking episode from the correspondence is selected for analysis. It must meet several conditions. The presented fragment should be quite large, that is, the correspondence of not one day, but several. It’s good if the text contains material that “alarmed” the person approaching, and also if it contains several lengthy topics raised in the conversation. These conditions are necessary to fulfill the maximum full analysis text.

The customer of the correspondence also provides introductory information, outlining the social outline in which the “recorded” dialogue unfolds. The gender and age of the interlocutors, what kind of relationship they are in, what happened before this correspondence.

The first feature of social media text is its structure. The material is a dialogue “written down on paper”; several layers for analysis unfold before the reading psychologist: substantive, procedural and personal.

By the content layer, a psychologist understands the topics that are touched upon in the process of communication. How interesting are these topics to both interlocutors, who more often suggests topics for discussion, which topics are discussed longer. Having analyzed these aspects, we can come to the following conclusions: which of the partners is the leader in the relationship, what topics at the moment relevant and meaningful, how deep and confidential the conversation is.

When analyzing topics, you should take into account their nature. There are “light” topics: about nature, weather, everyday life. There are topics of “intense” conflicts and problems. Topics set the overall emotional impression of the correspondence. If there are topics that are developed at sufficient length, then you can analyze the very dynamics of the topic’s development and the logical structure. Highlight the hero, problematic content, denouement, method of resolving the problem, why this topic arose.

An indicator of low content load in a conversation, and therefore low interest in communication, is frequent lapses into real life. The psychologist learns about such cases if the interlocutors periodically interrupt the conversation or respond with a significant delay (the marker is the time indicated next to the statement).

It is also of interest to study the motives for correspondence; in addition to the stated open motives (to get acquainted, support, take time, etc.), there are hidden motives (sex, to assert oneself, to relieve tension, etc.). A motive is a driving force that directs a person’s actions. As a rule, hidden motives do not immediately appear; they are “hidden” behind what is being recited. Indicators of their presence are the second layer of content. For example, the interlocutors conduct a conversation on neutral topics (books, movies, hobbies) and during the conversation one of them periodically touches on a topic that interests him (a meeting, sex, etc.) in the hope that the partner will “relax” and fall in love. In addition to neutral topics, they also use the technique of games and intrigue, the main condition is that the interlocutor becomes interested and takes the hook, so it will be easier to achieve his goal. Goals are not achieved immediately, at first they receive a small consent (for example, to transfer a conversation from a social network to a video chat system or communicate via SMS, etc.), then, maintaining attention, they move on. There are clubs and communities where they teach techniques of seduction, maintaining attention, etc.

Analysis of the procedural layer of correspondence.

Thanks to this layer, the psychologist draws conclusions about communication styles. The most common is the manipulative style, where interlocutors, hiding their true motives, want to achieve a goal. In this case, the classic scheme works, in which the “pursuer”, having established contact and brought the “victim” closer, delivers his “blow” (makes inappropriate jokes, touches hot topics, ridicules, attacks, etc.) forcing the interlocutor to justify himself. You can also find such communication styles as normalized (standardized) and partner. With a normalized style, “duty” remarks are exchanged. The interlocutors share safe information about themselves and talk about the weather. The most productive is the partner style. Communicating people are open, trust each other, actively exchange information, and are emotionally involved in the conversation.

By analyzing the procedural layer of correspondence, the psychologist also sees the dynamics of the conversation itself. How do people establish contact at the beginning of communication, can they support it, what methods do they use for this. How does the “gathering of information” happen, who asks questions more often and what kind of questions there are more (open or closed). Do people use each other’s words in the process of communication, do they remember what their partner said.

The analysis of conflict correspondence requires special attention. The person who sends such an excerpt often wants to “achieve” the truth, what they would tell him, who is to blame for the conflict and how to influence his partner. A psychologist cannot take one side; he analyzes the conversation process itself, whenever possible making his own proposals on how to resolve the conflict. Offers ways to resolve conflict situations.

Personal layer of correspondence

One of the most difficult layers to analyze, since the psychologist makes assumptions based on one side of a person’s manifestation, correspondence. At this stage of the analysis, special caution is needed with conclusions. What assumptions are possible? Based on the proposed material, the psychologist can draw a conclusion about the leading representative (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) system of the interlocutors and give recommendations on what words are best to use in order to be “heard.” Draw conclusions about extroversion if a person is emotional, asks more often, writes more, easily switches to different topics, that is, oriented outward. The opposite behavior will indicate a person’s introversion. Determine the locus of control by paying attention to a person’s tendency to attribute responsibility for events to himself or others.

Having analyzed the correspondence across all three layers, the psychologist draws a conclusion based only on repeated data. The report is sent to the customer of the correspondence analysis, the psychologist guarantees the confidentiality of his work. The customer has the right to do with the information at his own discretion.

The second feature of correspondence from social networks is its phantom nature. Despite the fact that the interlocutors receive responses to their remarks in real time, they cannot see each other, which means that the entire layer of non-verbal information remains hidden. Interlocutors can invent different names, roles, age, write false information, hide your feelings. By analyzing correspondence, there is practically no way to say whether a person is hiding his true face or not. The only thing that can give away is the lack of accuracy in the story, various kinds typos, this happens if the legend is poorly conceived. A manipulative style of communication can also suggest the hidden intentions of the interlocutor.

Third psychological feature correspondence on social networks is “suggestibility”. When analyzing correspondence, it is clearly visible how prone people are to suggestion, how easy it is to influence the consciousness of the interlocutor. Such a person easily changes his point of view, while accepting his partner’s beliefs and attitudes without criticism, and is easily infected by other people’s emotions and moods. The social network facilitates the possibility of suggestion, this occurs due to the fact that a person does not see the real interlocutor, he only imagines him, that is, all correspondence is built at the level of internal images. These images are created from photographs seen on the page, from memories of voice timbre, if the conversation took place in reality, etc. A person takes the main material for creating an image from his inner world. For example, a text written by a partner is read in his own voice, which means that the reader himself places emphasis and colors the words with emotions. It is difficult to tell from a photograph how a person moves or what kind of facial expressions are characteristic of him, which means that the image of the interlocutor is also “revitalized” by the person himself. These features of correspondence create an effect called “another in my head.” This other person settles there, practically without passing through the critical filter of consciousness. In many ways, our desire to communicate with this or that person on a social network depends not so much on our biased choice of interlocutor, but on our mood, on the very desire to communicate. There is no mysticism in this, this is the usual work of transferences and projections that Freud wrote about, and which is clearly visible when analyzing correspondence.

It should be emphasized that the analysis of correspondence from social networks differs from the analysis of letters. In the first case, we have a dialogue between people, they exchange remarks here and now. A letter is delayed in time, it is a message from one person to another from the past to the future. A letter has a complete structure, while a dialogue consists of many lines. Traditionally it is believed that more information can be obtained precisely from the analysis of correspondence of dialogues, as people interact with each other. Letters are more often a conversation with oneself, even though the words are addressed to the interlocutor.

When starting to analyze correspondence from social networks, it is important to remember the limitations that this way of communicating between people imposes and not to draw categorical conclusions. Keeping the client’s request in mind, the psychologist will be able to clearly structure the analyzed material and provide the client with the information of interest in the correct form.

Shtyrbu Ekaterina Evgenievna, psychoanalyst

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Good day! My man constantly corresponds with women on the Internet. He is 26 years old, he has been texting for about 7 years. He is texting with overtly sexual overtones, and has virtual sex with them. He broke up with his previous girlfriend because of correspondence, she found everything, read it, printed it out for him and packed his things. He described their breakup to me by saying that he was simply trying to help insecure women on the Internet, but she didn’t understand him. After a year of communication, I found an SMS from him about setting up a meeting with a girl and a correspondence about what they would do when they met. A conversation took place, he said that this is like porn for him, he cheats girls out of frankness, arranges a meeting, but never meets. Someone watches porn and picks up women in real life, but he creates his own porn and likes to prove that he is an alpha male online. He said that he had never met anyone and that there were no problems for our relationship, because... These women are not familiar with him and he does not seek to meet them in real life. I thought that knowing that I was not pleased, he would stop texting. But it turned out that this was something he couldn't refuse. He started texting at work, then he started having an affair at work, which I found out about. According to him, it was just correspondence and glances, they kissed once and that’s it, but this again means nothing. I couldn’t stand it, I packed my things and left. I should have ended this relationship then, but I didn’t understand why he was doing this, so we talked and made peace. He said again that all this is not important and does not affect us, in these correspondences he can play out different sexual scenarios: call a woman a slut, have hard sex with her, come up with anything. But with the woman he loves, that is, with me, he cannot and does not want to do this; with me he wants tenderness. He never talked about his desires and did not offer any experiments in sex, I did not impose myself on this because I did not understand how important it was to him. Then it got worse, over time we moved away from each other, he began to work from home and for more than six months he constantly sat at home and corresponded day and night, we stopped communicating normally because we were constantly quarreling. Then I found out that he met with a woman again and that’s it, I was blocked. I asked him to pack his things and leave, we talked, found a bunch of problems in our relationship and he left. Now I think that I was wrong, that I could not give him what he was looking for in these correspondences and I just had to be more attentive to all this. I thought that we would separate, he would understand everything and we would try to start the relationship again, because otherwise he is a very wonderful man. 2 weeks have passed, he asks how I’m doing, we talked about our relationship, he says that he caused me a lot of pain, that he destroyed everything himself, that he doesn’t know what he needs, that he’s all dirty and that he doesn’t want it, so that I could end up in this mud again. He understands that this is an addiction, but he is sure that nothing will help him. He says that you read everything and know what I need (for example, he loves stockings and high heels), but I wore both. We lived together for 3 years, I love him and really want to help him with everything, but I understand that I myself brought him to such horror, and I would like to restore the relationship, but I understand that it’s too late and I don’t understand what I need to do now . On the other hand, I understand that all these years we floundered in all these correspondences of his, talking about what he needed in sex, but did not talk about what I needed. I'm confused about everything. Tell me please.

Hello, Marina! let's look at what's going on:

I thought that knowing that I was not pleased, he would stop texting. But it turned out that this was something he couldn't refuse.

BUT YOU INITIALLY COULD NOT accept his needs, BUT you closed your eyes to it and thought that HE might change BECAUSE OF YOU - BUT people DO NOT change BECAUSE of someone! YOU initially showed that knowing everything, you were ready to ACCEPT HIM with HIS needs - naturally, HE continued further! YOU have been rejecting this all this time - then you began to show your rejection, showing that it is NOT pleasant for you, it hurts - and you put him before a choice so that HE would give up this, and accordingly give up his needs - BUT he DID NOT do this! HE HAS NOT done this before, although it was precisely for this reason that his past relationships collapsed and HE has already shown both himself and you that relationships are NOT valuable to him, that he DOES NOT HOLD ON TO THEM! The same thing, no matter how you want it, concerns you and YOUR relationship with him! You can NOT accept it - the solution is NOT to change it!!! and think for yourself and decide - what are you willing to do in a relationship and for what? only YOU NEED to realize - HE WILL NOT change - HIS need will STILL remain to prove to himself that he can do something and this has nothing to do with YOU!

Now I think that I was wrong, that I could not give him what he was looking for in these correspondences and I just had to be more attentive to all this.

and what does YOU have to do with it??? HE HIMSELF DOES NOT need to receive this in reality from YOU or from the woman who is next to him!! he needs to receive it through the Internet, this is a safe environment for him, this is a relationship in which there is no responsibility, responsibilities, intimacy - THIS is exactly the kind of relationship he needs and THAT woman who CAN accept THIS will remain with him! YOU CAN'T! and IT IS NOT YOUR responsibility for the fact that HE HIMSELF cannot understand himself and draw conclusions - you can do everything, BUT THE REASON IS NOT YOU! but in HIM himself! realize this, accept it as such and make a choice for yourself! HE WILL NOT change!

Marina, if you decide to figure it out, feel free to contact me - call me - I will be glad to help you!

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Hello Marina.

I understand your feelings, let's take things in order.

When we find out that the man we love is “flirting left and right,” a flurry of feelings hits us:

Guilt - “Has a relationship on the side, which means I’m doing something wrong, we have problems in our relationship, I missed something.” You write about it this way: “Now I’m thinking that I was wrong, that I couldn’t give him what he was looking for in these correspondences, and I just had to be more attentive to all this.”

Try to stop and take time for yourself by consulting a psychologist.

Konopy Natalya Ivanovna, psychologist, Moscow

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