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Hidden aggression as the basis of manipulation. Inducing feelings of guilt

The art of manipulating people - ancient art. It has long been used by everyone: from market traders to modern politicians. It is believed that women are natural manipulators. It is all the more dangerous to fall into this delusion and succumb to the influence of others. How to avoid this? But first, let's try to understand who the manipulator is and how he acts.

Who is he? Let's compose psychological portrait. As a child, he realized early on that you can achieve a lot with whims and loud crying. Gradually realizing this, he first unconsciously, and then purposefully learns to manipulate others. If he has an example of a manipulative father before his eyes, a natural sense of imitation accelerates this process. It's even worse if he has an innate desire to suppress and humiliate others.

His goal. Achieve power over you at any cost. Humiliate, belittle your importance as a person. Command. Enjoy your confusion and uncertainty.

His tricks. The first time after meeting you, he listens carefully, directs the conversation to your childhood memories and current problems. This may be a simple concern, but be doubly careful if your self-esteem is somewhat low. Long pauses and soulful glances force you to tell more about yourself. The manipulator feels for your weaknesses, deep-lying complexes and fears.
Sensing your interest in him, he changes tactics. A favorite technique is to disappear for an indefinite period of time without saying anything. Or make an appointment, “forgetting” to indicate the time. It makes you feel sudden changes moods - from despair to hope. You subconsciously become attached to him, feeling incomplete without him. He teaches you to wait and understand: without him you are nothing. Another “trick”: he constantly forces you to make excuses for your misdeeds - past, present and fictitious.

How to avoid this nightmare? It's not that easy, but it's possible. First of all, tell yourself that you are an individual. Yes, you have certain disadvantages, but you also have advantages! Try to soberly analyze and understand what place you occupy in life. Understand your self-esteem. After all, she is no longer yours - a manipulator imposed her on you.

If you constantly feel guilty, think about what is causing it. Most likely, he constantly instills this thought in you, so you are simply accustomed to this state. Try to convince yourself that your fault is largely a soap bubble.

Make your own decisions. They may not always be true, but they will be yours. It is important to understand that before certain point decisions were made for you. Of course it's convenient. But this completely deprives initiative. Indecision is characteristic of many women, but do not confuse it with softness.

Think about it and give yourself an honest answer: do you love him? Do you really need it? Can't you live without him? You're probably just used to the current situation.

Try to change his plans in some way without warning. He will be simply amazed. And when someone tries to blame you, firmly answer that you are an independent person and make your own decisions. You'll see: the word "independent" will strike him the most.

Make it so that it is not you who are waiting to meet him, but he who is waiting for you. Try not to date him for a while. Be prepared for him to start stalking you. In such a situation, if possible, it is a good idea to temporarily change your place of residence and change your mobile number.

Admit that sometimes it seems to you that without it you experience a loss of strength, a deterioration in your mood, and your hands “give up.” Nonsense! You are a woman, an energetic creature with feeling self-esteem! Look for people who actually think you're an interesting person.

Train yourself not to turn yourself inside out in front of others. There are things that can only be shared with trusted and close friends.

And run from him, run! Good luck to you.

Men piss women off to see how much control they have over the situation. Just testing how far you can go with this woman? Is she really ready to forgive everything? What else can you afford? Reminds me of the behavior of a capricious child who provokes his mother just to attract attention. In fact, a wise strategist studies the reaction. Suddenly there will be a determined woman who can take his place.

It is believed that a man acts logically and thinks concretely, while a woman and common sense are incompatible. However, a man’s behavior is often difficult to explain logically. Because, while studying a woman, he completely deliberately makes her nervous. ( An isolated case- pick-up artists who draw knowledge from a dog training manual, but we do not consider it.) Takes it to the extreme and enjoys the reaction. What can we say about the guys, if it happens that a family-oriented man comes home out of sorts - and away we go: why is the soup three degrees hotter, who cut the carrots into cubes and not into strips, who is this child so stupid, who ended up with toilet paper... It will bring you to tears and detach itself like a well-fed leech. And it’s immediately clear who’s boss in the house.

Who benefits?

Do you think it's because of his nerves? Does your boss offend you, do your subordinates dislike you? We'll regret it, was I wrong? If only... It’s only a woman who doesn’t see the point in deliberately pissing a person off. Well, what kind of pleasure is there in torment? A normal man knows: depriving a woman of peace of mind, peace or good mood, you can win a whole bunch of wonderful bonuses. He receives maximum attention, control over the situation and a sense of self-importance.

Even in an unstable guy-girl tandem, emotional buttons are tested. The guy may not call, knowing that you are waiting for a call. May flirt with other women out of spite. Not listening to your story, interrupting mid-sentence: “That’s it, bye, I’m busy.” Tell details about ex-girlfriends. It's disrespectful to speak about women in general. If you work together, maybe say hello dryly, and that’s it. Be nervous now, be at a loss. There are plenty of ways to ruin your mood. This is done specifically to observe the reaction. If a woman does not control her emotions, has read novels and is full of expectations, then it is easy to offend her. Sometimes the unconscious takes over, and a woman tries to restore harmony with a candelabra to the head, finely crumbles a couple of sets and sobs rapturously. She spends her nerves, and he gets satisfaction, an emotional hook and a verdict - hysterical. There can be no serious relationship with such a nervous lady.

What does he want to achieve?

If a woman loses her temper (it doesn’t matter how exactly - she swears loudly or suffers in silence), then she is easy to manipulate. Such a woman is easy to control. It’s not difficult to keep her: sometimes you have to take her off the emotional hook, let her be glad that everything is fine with you, but not for long. Is there a way to control your emotions? There is nothing easier if a woman sees someone else's game and reads the man's intentions. In order not to be nervous, you need to not be nervous. Like in wrestling: in order to knock down your opponent, you need to deprive him of his balance. The rule is simple, there is no chess analysis or military strategy in it. Having recognized the manipulator and his goals, respond appropriately. He will regard your behavior as a sign of strength. Then there are two options: he will cowardly run away or recognize an equal partner and your relationship will move to a new level.

How to react?

The best reaction to the checks that a man arranges is complete control over himself. So that you don’t think that you are being played unfairly, know that the hassle has a high purpose and is justified from the point of view of men. He tests a woman to find out how she will behave in a difficult situation when she completely loses her temper. Or in a life-threatening situation - will he be able to hold the rope when he falls off the cliff. Can you cope with life's difficulties or will you whine like a little girl? In general, he catches you with good intentions, and you should avoid punctures. In this tricky game it no longer matters that the man forgot to call or buy a gift. Only the woman's reaction matters.

The line between such scrutiny and disrespect is very thin. Checking is a temporary phenomenon. It's one thing to be late or cancel a date, and quite another to not call back and disappear for several days without explanation. It’s one thing to not pay attention because you’re tired, but it’s another thing entirely to be constantly ignored. Flirting to tease and chronically hitting on other women. The first is verification, the second is disrespect. Disrespect is not divided into big and small. Disrespect is denial good qualities in man. Feeling that you forgive little things, the man will go further and further. The favorite rake of a woman in love is to forgive disgusting behavior, which no one in their right mind would forgive. But she convinces herself that the sacrifice will be appreciated, and allows more and more... When such a relationship ends, the woman will hate herself for the humiliation and feeling of inferiority. Therefore, you should always try to understand what exactly is happening in your life and respond appropriately. Not only in word, but also in deed. Behave as an equal and intelligent partner. This can be learned, especially since there are few basic buttons: make someone jealous, move away, act out of spite and shirk responsibilities.

The manipulator always strives to put you in a dependent position. He will draw strength from your weaknesses (thirst for money, power, recognition, love), fears, and focus on what is significant to you. It is easiest to manipulate people who are captive of some passion, and much more difficult to manipulate those who look at the world realistically and know themselves.

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How to avoid becoming a victim of a manipulator

There are several main types of manipulators:

Active (attempts to control others through active methods, by pressing.)
Indifferent (puts on a mask of indifference, trying to leave, avoid any contact. His motto: “I don’t give a damn!”)
Passive (Mostly difficult situations pretends to be insecure and stupid)
Competitive (perceives life as a constant tournament, an endless chain of wins and failures)
Flattering (he accurately identifies your weaknesses and begins to generously water them with flattery)

How to recognize a manipulator and protect yourself from him?

The manipulator always strives to put you in a dependent position. He will draw strength from your weaknesses (thirst for money, power, recognition, love), fears, and focus on what is significant to you. It is easiest to manipulate people who are captive to some passion (remember Othello and Iago), and much more difficult to manipulate those who look at the world realistically and know themselves.

Main hallmark manipulator - deception, hypocrisy, sugary ingratiation that confuses you, the desire to please, or persistence and clinginess, the feeling that he is not telling something, is obscuring. In his judgments there is always a call to maintain distance from others, to fight for a place in the sun. The manipulator's favorite hobby is intrigue.

A skillfully performed operation is not easy to recognize, but intuition will tell you that “something is wrong here.” If you feel that you are acting against your will and contrary to the learned principles, then begin to protect yourself from manipulative influence. A person who works on himself and his qualities is not afraid" gray wolf" Because the best barrier to external pressure is personal potential, namely, resistance to influence and one’s own common sense power to influence people.

Remember that running away, aggression, crying and hysteria are not in effective ways protection, since they themselves are destructive. When communicating with a manipulator, use the recommendations of domestic and foreign psychologists.

Believe in yourself.
Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions, clarify details, and express your opinion.
Try not to get too involved emotionally, and maintain the ability to assess the situation objectively.
Pretend to be a “simple” - feign misunderstanding: what could someone need from you?
Share your doubts with someone whose opinion you respect. It often helps to call a spade a spade.
“Catch” your negative feelings. Remaining unconscious, they can easily become a tool of a manipulator.
Give in on unimportant points.
Get ready to solve the problem together and look for compromises.
Break the usual scenario imposed on you and offer your own, unexpected for your opponent.
Remember that you can always interrupt unpleasant contact under a plausible pretext and resume it when you are ready to defend yourself with dignity.

Step one. Logic: since most often there is no connection in a manipulative message, between the first part and the second (“if you drink latte with your friends, I won’t make money”), you can explain to the manipulator that there is no logic in his phrase. Sometimes it helps.

Step two. Awkwardness: sometimes a manipulative statement sounds quite logical, but has hidden implications. Putting the manipulator in an awkward position is a fascinating activity. “Are you saying you have a lot of respect for me because you want to leave early? Well, then say so.”

Step three. Evaluate: usually the manipulator is not confident in himself, otherwise, why would he manipulate? With his behavior, he tries to secure power over others, although he is most concerned about his own safety. Make him feel comfortable, tell him that you understand, appreciate and accept him. You will see that the urge to turn people into puppets will decrease.

Step four. Make your choice: the manipulator puts pressure on your feelings and thereby hopes to force you to do this or that. However, it is a myth that people force us to experience certain feelings. Feelings are inside us and no one but us is able to “turn them on” and “turn them off.” Are you scared? Answer with irony. Are you being taken lightly? Respond with surprise. Are you getting pissed off? Remember that this is only an invitation that you can accept or refuse. The manipulator will be puzzled.

Step five. Understand yourself: in every family it is customary to react to events in a certain way. In one family it is customary to make fun of everything, in another it is customary to be upset for no reason, in a third it is customary to blame only yourself for your troubles and sprinkle ashes on your head. Children who grew up in these families will receive this “leading” emotion by inheritance. They will be ironic, sad and tormented by feelings of guilt, respectively, more often than others. It can be assumed that when these children grow up, they will more often come across manipulators who will play on their “leading” feeling. Based on this, everyone can be advised to understand what kind of emotion they got from their parents. And then return to the previous point.

Time of the manipulator: the manipulator very rarely lives in the present. Most often, he either remembers the past - “I can’t recover from the fact that my cat jumped out of the balcony five years ago” - and it also contains an excuse for his shortcomings and inaction. Either he talks about some vague future “if you don’t eat cutlets, you won’t go to college” or “we believe in you and someday this will certainly affect your financial relationship.” But here and now nothing happens to the manipulator. He has no time all the time, he is constantly busy. One could humanly feel sorry for him, but we will not do that. Because he seeks from us precisely feelings in order to use them for other purposes.